A few weeks earlier, Dick decided that the five of us--- Dick, Josh, his girlfriend, Marni and I--- should go downtown for Josh's 21st birthday celebration to one of the finest restaurants in Chicago which is also known to have a worldwide reputation as well. It is quite expensive, very romantic and boasts a wonderful view of the city. I took Dick there for his birthday several years ago. Quite frankly, when I heard where he decided Josh's birthday dinner should be, I was quite surprised. It seemed a little over the top as well as inappropriate for a family birthday party considering this wasn't the norm for how we usually celebrate.
The day before we were supposed to go out, Josh came to me very upset and angry. He said that we should cancel the dinner reservation because he wasn't in the mood to celebrate with this family. He ranted and raved about how his life was ruined by his upbringing and thanks to us, we spoiled everything for him. As he continued on and on, feeling more and more sorry for himself, I heard enough and had to put this pity party to a halt.
I proceeded to remind Josh of all he has to celebrate and be grateful for, making sure he realized that not only did he survive in a home that was difficult, if not unbearable at times, he thrived. I pointed out that he is intelligent, hard working and focused. I continued on that he is in the honors program at a Big Ten University, vice president of his frat and currently working at an internship which will probably lead to a job right out of college. These were all accomplishments he should be very proud of and he's worked very hard to be in the position he's in. I made it clear that he was not raised on "cruise control," nor did he get to where he is on his own.
As the words flowed from my mouth, I went on to say that no one's life is perfect. Everyone has something that they have to deal with. He's not the only one. That's life. Some families struggle with illnesses, financial difficulties, job loss, death of close relatives, children with physical, emotional and/or psychological issues, divorce and even combinations of these problems simultaneously.
On a roll, I told Josh that sometimes the best gifts come wrapped in the ugliest packages. While I would have loved nothing more for him and Marni to grow up in a home with two parents who loved each other, that was not the case. It wasn't the life I imagined for myself or for my kids. However, if anything good could come out of this situation it would be that he learned how not to treat people he loves and cares about and to make sure that he is involved with people who respect him and support his dreams, goals and life. If at any time, he finds himself with someone who replicates what he grew up with, he should end that relationship as soon as possible.
I told him that if anyone should be happy, grateful and feel that he has something to celebrate, it should be him. He has his whole life ahead of him, a bright future and a sense of what is important in life He's been through enough already to know not to take people for granted or take advantage of them. I told him he was lucky to learn that early on. I think I got through to him.
When all is said and done, the birthday dinner was successful. It was a very pleasant evening. The food was outstanding, the company was wonderful, conversation flowed easily and a good time was had by all. Most important of all, Josh appreciated all that's right in his life.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Cost Of Love
Josh is a lot like me. He doesn't keep his feelings bottled up inside. If something is bothering him, he lets everyone know about it. So I wasn't at all surprised by what happened next.
After the "Congratulations" remark, Josh immediately turned to Dick and said, "If you ruin my birthday dinner Saturday night, I will never speak to you again." Dick loudly and angrily riposted with the following backlash, "Don't you ever threaten me. Because of me, you don't have any college tuition to pay for. I've bought you everything you wanted over the years. This is the thanks I get after all I've given you." Not once did it occur to Dick to question why Josh would feel that he would ruin his birthday by something he would say or do. A heated argument quickly escalated between the two.
Unfortunately, Dick equates how much money he spends on the children with how wonderful a father he is. He tries to buy their love and affection with material possessions. Consequently, if the kids have a difference of opinion or want to do something that isn't what Dick wants, he lays on the guilt heavily and thickly.
After the "Congratulations" remark, Josh immediately turned to Dick and said, "If you ruin my birthday dinner Saturday night, I will never speak to you again." Dick loudly and angrily riposted with the following backlash, "Don't you ever threaten me. Because of me, you don't have any college tuition to pay for. I've bought you everything you wanted over the years. This is the thanks I get after all I've given you." Not once did it occur to Dick to question why Josh would feel that he would ruin his birthday by something he would say or do. A heated argument quickly escalated between the two.
Unfortunately, Dick equates how much money he spends on the children with how wonderful a father he is. He tries to buy their love and affection with material possessions. Consequently, if the kids have a difference of opinion or want to do something that isn't what Dick wants, he lays on the guilt heavily and thickly.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
We're Getting A Divorce...Take Two
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Today was my court date to have the temporary restraining order turned into a permanent injunction. I dropped Marni off at camp in the morning and headed straight to the courthouse. After I parked my car, made my way into the building, put my purse in the basket to be scanned, stepped through the security threshold and found my way to my courtroom where I was meeting my lawyer, I was amazed at how much easier this process seemed to be than merely a week ago. When my name was called, we approached the judge's bench. My attorney made his request and it was immediately granted. Piece of cake!
What a waste of a perfectly good Xanax!!! Now if the rest of the day would only go this smoothly.
Dick and I decided that tonight was the night to let Josh know about our divorce. After all, Marni, my immediate family, ALL of my closest, not so closest, somewhat and extremely distant friends, and complete strangers knew. (I'm not quite sure who Dick told at that point) It seemed only fitting that our son should also be filled in on the news. When Josh finally came home--- after spending the day at work and dinner with his girlfriend---Dick told him there was something the four of us needed to discuss. So we sat down in the family room and Dick proceeded to go into a whole long spiel. As he rambled on and on talking in circles about things he's brought up ad nauseam over the years, nervously I smiled to myself as I realized that the ball was finally set in motion.
For the first time since I got married, (engaged actually) there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At this point, it's a very dim flicker of a light at the termination of an extremely long, dark, ominous tunnel, but nevertheless, it's faint glow is definitely visible!
Tuning back in to the conversation, I heard Dick finally announce that we are getting a divorce. Josh's response, "Congratulations. You two should have done this years ago."
Today was my court date to have the temporary restraining order turned into a permanent injunction. I dropped Marni off at camp in the morning and headed straight to the courthouse. After I parked my car, made my way into the building, put my purse in the basket to be scanned, stepped through the security threshold and found my way to my courtroom where I was meeting my lawyer, I was amazed at how much easier this process seemed to be than merely a week ago. When my name was called, we approached the judge's bench. My attorney made his request and it was immediately granted. Piece of cake!
What a waste of a perfectly good Xanax!!! Now if the rest of the day would only go this smoothly.
Dick and I decided that tonight was the night to let Josh know about our divorce. After all, Marni, my immediate family, ALL of my closest, not so closest, somewhat and extremely distant friends, and complete strangers knew. (I'm not quite sure who Dick told at that point) It seemed only fitting that our son should also be filled in on the news. When Josh finally came home--- after spending the day at work and dinner with his girlfriend---Dick told him there was something the four of us needed to discuss. So we sat down in the family room and Dick proceeded to go into a whole long spiel. As he rambled on and on talking in circles about things he's brought up ad nauseam over the years, nervously I smiled to myself as I realized that the ball was finally set in motion.
For the first time since I got married, (engaged actually) there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At this point, it's a very dim flicker of a light at the termination of an extremely long, dark, ominous tunnel, but nevertheless, it's faint glow is definitely visible!
Tuning back in to the conversation, I heard Dick finally announce that we are getting a divorce. Josh's response, "Congratulations. You two should have done this years ago."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Who's Life Is This Anyway?
When I was younger, every time I heard stories about women who had no clue how to manage their finances or knew anything about their assets, I was always amazed. "What idiots," I used to think to myself. "How can any woman today not know where her money is, how much she has and who is managing it? "
Back then, one thing I knew for sure was I was not turning out like that. After all, I had too much going for me. I was a strong-willed, self-sufficient young woman, with a Master's Degree and a good career. I might have plenty of other concerns, but this wasn't one of them. No sir, if I had to bet my life on it, I was certain I would never deal with this issue. In fact, until I married Dick, I never worried about money at all. As a newlywed, I believed that we could always find work to pay the bills. Dick and I were young, healthy, intelligent and well educated. It stood to reason, that over time, we'd only get more and more financially secure. I always imagined that we would look back on our early years together and think, "We might not have had a lot of money, but we always managed and look at how far we've come."
So the question is, how did I morph into someone I swore I would never become? When did the me I used to be disappear and this woman who was clueless about not only her finances, but about almost everything concerning her life take over my existence? And when did fear of not having money start consuming my daily life?
Back then, one thing I knew for sure was I was not turning out like that. After all, I had too much going for me. I was a strong-willed, self-sufficient young woman, with a Master's Degree and a good career. I might have plenty of other concerns, but this wasn't one of them. No sir, if I had to bet my life on it, I was certain I would never deal with this issue. In fact, until I married Dick, I never worried about money at all. As a newlywed, I believed that we could always find work to pay the bills. Dick and I were young, healthy, intelligent and well educated. It stood to reason, that over time, we'd only get more and more financially secure. I always imagined that we would look back on our early years together and think, "We might not have had a lot of money, but we always managed and look at how far we've come."
So the question is, how did I morph into someone I swore I would never become? When did the me I used to be disappear and this woman who was clueless about not only her finances, but about almost everything concerning her life take over my existence? And when did fear of not having money start consuming my daily life?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
He Takes All The Credit
Monday, July 20, 2009
Dick came home from work late this afternoon and told me he needed to talk to me. He had a shifty look in his eye and a cool, calculated demeanor. I knew more trouble was brewing. Very calmly and with great pleasure, he said, "Because I'm such a nice guy I'm telling you that I cancelled the credit card today and took one out in my name only. I don't want you to get embarrassed by trying to charge something and finding out that you can't use the card."
Realizing that Dick was systematically cutting me off from all sources of money, the muscles in my jaw and neck immediately clenched down tightly, creating a choking sensation in my throat. Struggling to breathe, I just wished I would die quickly and be put out of my misery. I didn't feel I had the energy, desire or will to face the onslaught of nastiness that my sick, mean husband was looking forward to torturing me with as this divorce process progresses.
Somehow I looked at him with an emotionless gaze and said, "When did you become such an angry, bitter, hateful person?" He replied, "I'm a very kind person." I responded, "You are one of the few people who actually think so."
Fortunately, soon after this conversation, he took Marni to his mom's house for dinner. I then had the luxury of privately melting down. Totally panic stricken, I called my attorney to report this latest incident. He advised me to call the credit card company to verify that Dick actually took me off the card and wasn't just lying to intimidate me. Then he told me, "If he did cancel your card, get one in your name." "What?" I thought to myself. "I can actually do this?"
With my fingers quivering and heart roaring, I dialed the customer service number on the back of my credit card. The representative on the other end of the line confirmed that I was no longer able to use the card. "How is this possible, when both of our names are on the account?" I questioned. "Because the account is in your husband's name and he authorized you to use his card. Today, he requested to take you off and because the card is in his name, he has the right to do that," responded the voice coming from the phone. I wasn't sure if I heard this correctly, because the swooshing of the blood pulsating through my head along with the pounding that was thumping away in my chest was muffling what was being said to me. Somewhere in this stupor, I heard myself say, "Then I would like to get a card in my name." "No problem," was the reply. "Let me connect you with someone who can take care of that for you."
After being put on hold for an indefinite period of time, finally a gentleman came on the phone. After he asked me a number of questions, I was put on hold again. When he returned, he told me that I now have credit in my own name, explained the plan, credit limit, benefits of the card and that I should receive the card in the mail within 10 business days. Great... now I'll have credit but no cash to pay for anything!
Dick came home from work late this afternoon and told me he needed to talk to me. He had a shifty look in his eye and a cool, calculated demeanor. I knew more trouble was brewing. Very calmly and with great pleasure, he said, "Because I'm such a nice guy I'm telling you that I cancelled the credit card today and took one out in my name only. I don't want you to get embarrassed by trying to charge something and finding out that you can't use the card."
Realizing that Dick was systematically cutting me off from all sources of money, the muscles in my jaw and neck immediately clenched down tightly, creating a choking sensation in my throat. Struggling to breathe, I just wished I would die quickly and be put out of my misery. I didn't feel I had the energy, desire or will to face the onslaught of nastiness that my sick, mean husband was looking forward to torturing me with as this divorce process progresses.
Somehow I looked at him with an emotionless gaze and said, "When did you become such an angry, bitter, hateful person?" He replied, "I'm a very kind person." I responded, "You are one of the few people who actually think so."
Fortunately, soon after this conversation, he took Marni to his mom's house for dinner. I then had the luxury of privately melting down. Totally panic stricken, I called my attorney to report this latest incident. He advised me to call the credit card company to verify that Dick actually took me off the card and wasn't just lying to intimidate me. Then he told me, "If he did cancel your card, get one in your name." "What?" I thought to myself. "I can actually do this?"
With my fingers quivering and heart roaring, I dialed the customer service number on the back of my credit card. The representative on the other end of the line confirmed that I was no longer able to use the card. "How is this possible, when both of our names are on the account?" I questioned. "Because the account is in your husband's name and he authorized you to use his card. Today, he requested to take you off and because the card is in his name, he has the right to do that," responded the voice coming from the phone. I wasn't sure if I heard this correctly, because the swooshing of the blood pulsating through my head along with the pounding that was thumping away in my chest was muffling what was being said to me. Somewhere in this stupor, I heard myself say, "Then I would like to get a card in my name." "No problem," was the reply. "Let me connect you with someone who can take care of that for you."
After being put on hold for an indefinite period of time, finally a gentleman came on the phone. After he asked me a number of questions, I was put on hold again. When he returned, he told me that I now have credit in my own name, explained the plan, credit limit, benefits of the card and that I should receive the card in the mail within 10 business days. Great... now I'll have credit but no cash to pay for anything!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Happy 21st Birthday Josh....May All Your Wishes Come True
July 16, 2009... Josh's 21st birthday.
How is this possible? I swear it was only yesterday that I gave birth to him. Where did all these years go? It seemed like they vanished in a blink of an eye. When I look at Josh now, I'm totally amazed. I wonder where my sweet little boy went and who is this handsome, funny, intelligent young man calling me mom?
I wish I could say that the past 21 years were happy, carefree ones for Josh. Unfortunately, growing up in our home, with the constant tension, arguing and upheaval, life was not a bed of roses for him.
But today was a special day. A new beginning. A bright future ahead. A cause for celebration. When Josh came home in the evening after work and dinner with his sweetheart, we had a small, intimate family birthday party. As Josh blew out the candles on his cake, I noticed that he took an extra long time making a wish. I wondered what he was hoping for.
The way we all acted, you would never have known that the night before all hell broke loose in our home. Dick, Marni and I should win Academy Awards for our performances. True to our word, we did not mention the divorce to Josh or ruin his "big day" in any way.
Later that evening I was in the basement folding laundry. Josh came up to me and told me that he and his girlfriend had a discussion at dinner that left him feeling sad. I asked him what was so upsetting. His response blew me away. When she asked him what the best days of his life have been so far, he rattled off several milestone events and then said that the day he is most looking forward to is when his parents get a divorce. I almost fell over in shock. How devastating to discover that the one thing my son is looking forward to more than anything else is having his parents end their marriage. While I knew that growing up in our home wasn't paradise, I didn't realize until that moment how horrible it was for him to be a part of this family unit.
While giving Josh a hug, I thought to myself, "Happy Birthday, Son. Who could have ever imagined that what you hope for more than anything will happen before you know it. Sometimes wishes really do come true."
How is this possible? I swear it was only yesterday that I gave birth to him. Where did all these years go? It seemed like they vanished in a blink of an eye. When I look at Josh now, I'm totally amazed. I wonder where my sweet little boy went and who is this handsome, funny, intelligent young man calling me mom?
I wish I could say that the past 21 years were happy, carefree ones for Josh. Unfortunately, growing up in our home, with the constant tension, arguing and upheaval, life was not a bed of roses for him.
But today was a special day. A new beginning. A bright future ahead. A cause for celebration. When Josh came home in the evening after work and dinner with his sweetheart, we had a small, intimate family birthday party. As Josh blew out the candles on his cake, I noticed that he took an extra long time making a wish. I wondered what he was hoping for.
The way we all acted, you would never have known that the night before all hell broke loose in our home. Dick, Marni and I should win Academy Awards for our performances. True to our word, we did not mention the divorce to Josh or ruin his "big day" in any way.
Later that evening I was in the basement folding laundry. Josh came up to me and told me that he and his girlfriend had a discussion at dinner that left him feeling sad. I asked him what was so upsetting. His response blew me away. When she asked him what the best days of his life have been so far, he rattled off several milestone events and then said that the day he is most looking forward to is when his parents get a divorce. I almost fell over in shock. How devastating to discover that the one thing my son is looking forward to more than anything else is having his parents end their marriage. While I knew that growing up in our home wasn't paradise, I didn't realize until that moment how horrible it was for him to be a part of this family unit.
While giving Josh a hug, I thought to myself, "Happy Birthday, Son. Who could have ever imagined that what you hope for more than anything will happen before you know it. Sometimes wishes really do come true."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It Was A Hard Day's Night
Somehow, I survived the day. It was mind boggling trying to process everything that transpired since the morning. When all the tumult finally quieted down, total exhaustion overtook my body, mind and spirit. All I wanted to do was get into bed, relax, unwind and fall asleep.
Then it hit me. Where was I going to sleep? There was no way I was ever going to share the bed with Dick again. I also knew that he was not going to give it up either. So where was I supposed to go? I decided to take out Marni's sleeping bag from her closet and camp out on the floor in her bedroom. To say she was not in the mood for a slumber party or a night of mother-daughter bonding was an understatement. At that point there were no other options. As much as Marni didn't want a roommate, I couldn't crash in Josh's room either. She was stuck with me until Josh would go back to college and then I would move into his room. Talk about feeling like a lost soul. I couldn't even find a place for myself in my own home. Something was definitely wrong with this picture and it was getting more and more out of focus as time went on.
At this point, what I'm about to say shouldn't come as a surprise, considering how my life has been going. When Marni was an infant, the four of us were in a bad car accident that totalled four of the five vehicles involved. Thankfully, everyone walked away from the crash alive. However, as luck would have it, I was the only one injured. To this day, I suffer from neck and upper back problems. After several years of physical therapy, medications, chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture, I'm finally able to make it through the day without being in unbearable, unrelenting pain.
So much for progress. After spending the night on the hard floor, I was back to square one. My neck and upper back were stiff as a board. On top of that, my lower back and right hip, two areas of my body that never bothered me before, were screaming out in pain. Meanwhile, Dick slept like a baby in our comfortable bed.
Then it hit me. Where was I going to sleep? There was no way I was ever going to share the bed with Dick again. I also knew that he was not going to give it up either. So where was I supposed to go? I decided to take out Marni's sleeping bag from her closet and camp out on the floor in her bedroom. To say she was not in the mood for a slumber party or a night of mother-daughter bonding was an understatement. At that point there were no other options. As much as Marni didn't want a roommate, I couldn't crash in Josh's room either. She was stuck with me until Josh would go back to college and then I would move into his room. Talk about feeling like a lost soul. I couldn't even find a place for myself in my own home. Something was definitely wrong with this picture and it was getting more and more out of focus as time went on.
At this point, what I'm about to say shouldn't come as a surprise, considering how my life has been going. When Marni was an infant, the four of us were in a bad car accident that totalled four of the five vehicles involved. Thankfully, everyone walked away from the crash alive. However, as luck would have it, I was the only one injured. To this day, I suffer from neck and upper back problems. After several years of physical therapy, medications, chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture, I'm finally able to make it through the day without being in unbearable, unrelenting pain.
So much for progress. After spending the night on the hard floor, I was back to square one. My neck and upper back were stiff as a board. On top of that, my lower back and right hip, two areas of my body that never bothered me before, were screaming out in pain. Meanwhile, Dick slept like a baby in our comfortable bed.
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