On Wednesday morning, July 15th, 2009, I dropped my daughter off at the camp she was volunteering at and headed off to the courthouse, where I was meeting my attorney to file for divorce and ask for an emergency TRO (temporary restraining order) to keep Dick from spending any of our marital assets.
Totally void of all feeling, I parked my car and walked toward the building. Barely going through the motions of putting one foot in front of the other, somehow I found myself in the courthouse. As I waited for my turn to go through security, a wave of melancholy came over me. Images of standing in a similar line flooded my mind and brought back a sea of memories of what seemed (at that moment) like a lifetime ago. I was reminiscing about the previous summer when my husband, my kids and I were at the airport preparing to board a flight to Aruba for what would turn out to be our last family vacation together. What a difference a year makes. I thought how ironic the whole situation was. As I collected my purse after clearing security, I realized I was about to embark on a new journey alone... my destination still unknown at that point. All I knew was I wanted to be on a flight to the Caribbean instead.
I met up with my lawyer. We sat down at a table in an open area. He handed me a thick stack of papers. I proceeded to read over and sign the documents that would catapult my life in a brand new direction. Then we walked down a long corridor to courtroom 105 and entered the door. Immediately my heart began thumping loudly and wildly against my chest wall, sweat started soaking my palms while my hands took to shaking uncontrollably. "Get a grip of yourself," I silently scolded myself. "Calm down, breathe deeply, relax," the voice in my head coaxed my unwilling body. It was no use. All I wanted to do was run as fast as I could out of the door, down the hall, out of the building and to my car. Instead, I walked slowly through the gallery, found an empty spot on the bench in the last row and sat down. As I listened to the others state their woes to the judge, a sinking sensation took hold of my stomach and brought me to a new low. This was one depressing place. It boggled my mind to think of how many people came to this room day in day out, week in week out, year in and year out to put an end to something that at one time was supposed to be their "happily ever after." What was even more heartbreaking was that soon I would be like the others sharing details of my "irreconcilable differences." Painfully I accepted that I was about to be initiated as a new member into a club I had no desire to join.
"What am I doing here? Why is this happening to me?" Shocked and dumbfounded, I couldn't stop asking myself these questions over and over and over as I waited... and waited...and waited.
Since my case was an emergency, I was the last one to be called. Finally after everyone else had left, (a mere few hours later) it was my turn to approach the bench. Thankfully I didn't have to talk in front of an audience. I wasn't ready for that yet. Fortunately the judge approved my "TRO." A new court date was set for Monday, July 27, 2009 at 9:00 a.m.
That was it. Easier than I thought. My body slowly started to return to it's relaxed state.
My attorney then asked me what time to send a processor to my house to serve Dick with the "Papers." I told him that between 8:00 and 8:30 p.m. should be good. Instinctively my heart resumed pounding uncontrollably. I knew all hell would break loose later that evening.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Desperately Seeking Counsel
I needed to find a lawyer and I needed to find one fast. On Sunday, I spoke with a friend's daughter who is a family practice attorney. She explained the process to me, answered all of my queries, sounded very competent, was very nice and easy to talk to. The only drawback is that her practice is in downtown Chicago. I live in a northern suburb (about 30 miles away) and in a different county, which might present some challenges down the road. I also had the names of two other attorneys in my area who I wanted to consult with as well and called them up on Monday morning. One couldn't see me until Friday (too long of a wait). The other had an opening that afternoon at 4:00. I made an appointment to meet him. We talked for quite some time. He seemed aggressive in his approach as to how he would handle my case (which is what I needed). He wanted to get to court as soon as possible to file for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences and mental cruelty and get an emergency TRO (temporary restraining order to prevent my husband from spending the money he took out of our account). Since I didn't have the luxury of time to meet the other attorneys in person, I hired this one. At that moment, I felt confident in my decision.
Discussing my upcoming divorce with him seemed so surreal. After all the years of wanting to end my marriage and finding a million excuses why I wasn't ready to do it, I was actually going through with this. Suddenly my mind was flooded with all of the thoughts, questions. fears and concerns that kept me paralyzed from moving forward for so long. How was I going to handle the stress of a divorce when I had so many other issues to contend with as well? How was I going to make it on my own? How would I manage financially? Would I grow old alone?
At that point I decided to resign myself to the fact that I wouldn't have to wonder much longer. What choice did I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it was time to move forward.
Discussing my upcoming divorce with him seemed so surreal. After all the years of wanting to end my marriage and finding a million excuses why I wasn't ready to do it, I was actually going through with this. Suddenly my mind was flooded with all of the thoughts, questions. fears and concerns that kept me paralyzed from moving forward for so long. How was I going to handle the stress of a divorce when I had so many other issues to contend with as well? How was I going to make it on my own? How would I manage financially? Would I grow old alone?
At that point I decided to resign myself to the fact that I wouldn't have to wonder much longer. What choice did I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it was time to move forward.
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Longest Weekend
From that point on I wondered how I was going to be able to look Dick in the eye and not let on that I knew anything... let alone keep myself from causing him serious bodily harm. To say it wasn't easy is a gross understatement. Drawing on acting skills I learned at Tom Thumb Players when I was in fourth grade, I somehow managed to get through the weekend. Just to clarify, it's been a long time since I was in the fourth grade and acting wasn't really my thing.
Whenever I was around Dick, I wanted to grab him by the neck, shake him and demand to know why he did what he did, (especially when my mom was in the hospital) how he could be so cruel, heartless, mean-spirited, angry, bitter and underhanded. Instead, I did everything in my power to appear calm, cool and collected and not engage in any altercations that would arouse his suspicion. I had to behave like I knew nothing and everything was peachy. I didn't want him to panic and do any more than he already had done.
There were a few close calls. One happened on Sunday night. Things quickly escalated out of control when Dick started up with me about how much money I was spending on groceries. He went ballistic, yelling at me that I used to only go to the Jewel and Walmart. Now I'm going to Jewel, Whole Foods, Garden Fresh Market, Walmart and Sam's Club. I reminded him that there are four adults living in our house and we eat a lot of food. He told me that he is only putting so much money in the checkbook and I can't spend any more than what he is putting in and that I shouldn't use the charge card under any circumstances. He then went on to say that if I want to spend more money, I better get a job and pay for things myself. I asked my husband how much he earns a year. (He's a doctor who is employed in a busy practice and earns a decent living) For the past few years, he's kept his salary a secret from me. Dick also hasn't shown me any tax returns. Our taxes were filed electronically and the accountant must have used signatures he had on file. Dick refused to tell me what he earns. He went on to say I don't have a right to know because I'm not his wife. I told him that I am definitely his wife. He told me I'm not...only legally I am. I told him that is the only way that counts.
He then continued berating me, shouting, "It's impossible to have a conversation with you. You are a difficult person and if ten people would be lined up in this room they would all tell you how bizarre you are." Then he glared at me and said, "I have a big surprise for you." I looked back and as calmly as I could, I answered, "Nothing you do surprises me anymore."
At that point, my heart was pounding so rapidly and strongly I thought it would jump out of my chest and sprint as far away from there as possible. The rest of my body thought it was a great idea too, so I got my car keys, put on my shoes and decided to leave for awhile. Dick followed me to the door and nastily said to me, "What's the matter with you? Why can't you stay in the house like a normal person? You have to leave because you can't have a simple conversation. That's why you're so impossible to be around. Get out of here and don't come back."
Before I left, I kissed my daughter goodbye and told her I'd be back in a little bit. She was watching T.V. in the family room. Unfortunately this was a scene she's witnessed way too many times in her fifteen years of life.
I drove to a mall in my neighborhood, sat in my car, pulled out my cell phone and called my friends who somehow managed to calm me down. Then I went home and got ready for bed.
Thankfully the weekend was almost over.
Whenever I was around Dick, I wanted to grab him by the neck, shake him and demand to know why he did what he did, (especially when my mom was in the hospital) how he could be so cruel, heartless, mean-spirited, angry, bitter and underhanded. Instead, I did everything in my power to appear calm, cool and collected and not engage in any altercations that would arouse his suspicion. I had to behave like I knew nothing and everything was peachy. I didn't want him to panic and do any more than he already had done.
There were a few close calls. One happened on Sunday night. Things quickly escalated out of control when Dick started up with me about how much money I was spending on groceries. He went ballistic, yelling at me that I used to only go to the Jewel and Walmart. Now I'm going to Jewel, Whole Foods, Garden Fresh Market, Walmart and Sam's Club. I reminded him that there are four adults living in our house and we eat a lot of food. He told me that he is only putting so much money in the checkbook and I can't spend any more than what he is putting in and that I shouldn't use the charge card under any circumstances. He then went on to say that if I want to spend more money, I better get a job and pay for things myself. I asked my husband how much he earns a year. (He's a doctor who is employed in a busy practice and earns a decent living) For the past few years, he's kept his salary a secret from me. Dick also hasn't shown me any tax returns. Our taxes were filed electronically and the accountant must have used signatures he had on file. Dick refused to tell me what he earns. He went on to say I don't have a right to know because I'm not his wife. I told him that I am definitely his wife. He told me I'm not...only legally I am. I told him that is the only way that counts.
He then continued berating me, shouting, "It's impossible to have a conversation with you. You are a difficult person and if ten people would be lined up in this room they would all tell you how bizarre you are." Then he glared at me and said, "I have a big surprise for you." I looked back and as calmly as I could, I answered, "Nothing you do surprises me anymore."
At that point, my heart was pounding so rapidly and strongly I thought it would jump out of my chest and sprint as far away from there as possible. The rest of my body thought it was a great idea too, so I got my car keys, put on my shoes and decided to leave for awhile. Dick followed me to the door and nastily said to me, "What's the matter with you? Why can't you stay in the house like a normal person? You have to leave because you can't have a simple conversation. That's why you're so impossible to be around. Get out of here and don't come back."
Before I left, I kissed my daughter goodbye and told her I'd be back in a little bit. She was watching T.V. in the family room. Unfortunately this was a scene she's witnessed way too many times in her fifteen years of life.
I drove to a mall in my neighborhood, sat in my car, pulled out my cell phone and called my friends who somehow managed to calm me down. Then I went home and got ready for bed.
Thankfully the weekend was almost over.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
When It Rains, It Pours
Not knowing what to do, I immediately did what I always do when life throws me into a crisis situation. I took a Zanax. Then I called everyone I could think of who I knew could offer me good advice. In the matter of a few hours, with the help of my "team of advisers," I discovered that my husband was planning to file for divorce and had probably already consulted an attorney. Because I had the presence of mind to get a copy of the final transaction from the bank, I saw that Dick had withdrawn $5,000 (the usual amount for a retainer) on one day and closed the account a few days later. It quickly became clear as a bell that my husband was busy preparing to make a lifestyle change.
At this point it seems like a good time to share a little bit about what I've been dealing with lately.To put it mildly, 2009 was definitely not turning out to be my year. For that matter, 2008, 2007 or 2006 weren't anything to write home about either. My father passed away on September 14, 2008. He lived 94 years. Even though he enjoyed a long, and for the most part, a very good life, the last few years were very hard, painful and sad. Being "Daddy's Little Girl," I had an extremely difficult time watching the man that I loved with all my heart slowly deteriorate and slip away before my very eyes. On top of that, my mom had a very hard time dealing with losing her husband, best friend and soul mate. In fact, while my husband was busy at the bank and at the lawyer's office, my mom was in the hospital.
Like I said... 2009 was not turning out to be my year.
At this point it seems like a good time to share a little bit about what I've been dealing with lately.To put it mildly, 2009 was definitely not turning out to be my year. For that matter, 2008, 2007 or 2006 weren't anything to write home about either. My father passed away on September 14, 2008. He lived 94 years. Even though he enjoyed a long, and for the most part, a very good life, the last few years were very hard, painful and sad. Being "Daddy's Little Girl," I had an extremely difficult time watching the man that I loved with all my heart slowly deteriorate and slip away before my very eyes. On top of that, my mom had a very hard time dealing with losing her husband, best friend and soul mate. In fact, while my husband was busy at the bank and at the lawyer's office, my mom was in the hospital.
Like I said... 2009 was not turning out to be my year.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Day The Bottom Fell Out
After living like this for 26 years, you may wonder what it took for me to finally get up the nerve to file for divorce. Actually nerve had nothing to do with it. Fear, shock, betrayal and what I like to think of as divine intervention had everything to do with making my decision for me and putting me on auto-pilot for the next several days.
On Friday, July 10th, 2009, I went to the bank to cash a small check. As I stood in line waiting for my turn, a voice in my head told me to ask for the balance of my two accounts. After taking care of my transaction, I asked for the status of my funds and also inquired about how to keep track of them on-line. I was told to speak with a banker. What happened next is something that will permanently be etched into every fiber of my being forever. The banker informed me that I only have a checking account. I told her that we have a money market account as well. She looked at me, turned her computer screen in my direction and pointed to where the balance of our money market account was "zero." She informed me that the account was closed out the day before. Then she apologized. Was she actually looking at me with pity and saying she was sorry??? How could this really be happening to me??? She tried to soften the blow by saying that maybe there was a computer error and I should check with the banker at the location where the withdrawal took place. I thanked her, walked to my car in a daze and drove off with the voice in my head shouting at me, "THE ACCOUNT WAS CLOSED OUT THE DAY BEFORE...THE DAY BEFORE...THE DAY BEFORE!!!"
I have no recollection of how I got to my destination. The banker at this branch confirmed what I already knew and told me how sorry she was. This was definitely my day for banker sympathy. I vaguely remember responding, "Not as sorry as he's going to be." I asked how he was able to close out the account without my knowledge. I was informed that in Illinois (where I live) only one person is needed to close an account. Who knew? Not me. Fortunately I had the presence of mind to ask for a copy of the statement that the account was closed. I also asked where the money was. She told me that because the account was only in my husband's name, I had no access to it. I asked her if an attorney would be able to get that information. She handed me her business card and told me to call with any questions.
I left the bank shaking, crying and totally scared out of my mind. What was I going to do? Even more troubling was what on earth was my husband planning to do?
On Friday, July 10th, 2009, I went to the bank to cash a small check. As I stood in line waiting for my turn, a voice in my head told me to ask for the balance of my two accounts. After taking care of my transaction, I asked for the status of my funds and also inquired about how to keep track of them on-line. I was told to speak with a banker. What happened next is something that will permanently be etched into every fiber of my being forever. The banker informed me that I only have a checking account. I told her that we have a money market account as well. She looked at me, turned her computer screen in my direction and pointed to where the balance of our money market account was "zero." She informed me that the account was closed out the day before. Then she apologized. Was she actually looking at me with pity and saying she was sorry??? How could this really be happening to me??? She tried to soften the blow by saying that maybe there was a computer error and I should check with the banker at the location where the withdrawal took place. I thanked her, walked to my car in a daze and drove off with the voice in my head shouting at me, "THE ACCOUNT WAS CLOSED OUT THE DAY BEFORE...THE DAY BEFORE...THE DAY BEFORE!!!"
I have no recollection of how I got to my destination. The banker at this branch confirmed what I already knew and told me how sorry she was. This was definitely my day for banker sympathy. I vaguely remember responding, "Not as sorry as he's going to be." I asked how he was able to close out the account without my knowledge. I was informed that in Illinois (where I live) only one person is needed to close an account. Who knew? Not me. Fortunately I had the presence of mind to ask for a copy of the statement that the account was closed. I also asked where the money was. She told me that because the account was only in my husband's name, I had no access to it. I asked her if an attorney would be able to get that information. She handed me her business card and told me to call with any questions.
I left the bank shaking, crying and totally scared out of my mind. What was I going to do? Even more troubling was what on earth was my husband planning to do?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Going from "I Do" To "I Don't Want To Anymore!"
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet Prince Charming. It's obvious to me now that when I accepted Dick's marriage proposal, I hopped out of the pond way to early. Now all I want to do is croak.
I've been looking forward to getting a divorce for a long time.... 26 years to be exact. Actually the thought of ending my marriage came to me as I walked down the aisle to say "I do." This was definitely not a match made in heaven, nor was it one I ever wanted. However I was in the minority and it appeared that my vote didn't count or matter. My parents thought that Dick was the right one for me, his parents agreed and Dick wanted to marry me because my dad owned a real estate office. He thought he was marrying into money and would be living on "Easy Street."
Boy was my new husband in for a shocker. As unbelievable as this may sound, my in laws misread my dad's business card. It clearly stated that his office was a member of several multiple listing services and there were over 3,000 salespeople in the MLS. My new relatives excitedly thought my dad had all these individuals working for him and we were loaded. It's amazing what comes out after the honeymoon. Didn't they realize my last name was not Trump?
By the same token, my parents looked at Dick as someone who fit the criteria of what many Jewish parents stereotypically envision for their daughters "perfect mate for life" ... he was a handsome Jewish doctor. In their eyes, it didn't get much better than this.
In my eyes, it didn't get much worse. Aside from the fact that I didn't love him, he was a very controlling, manipulative, abusive individual. That was how I wound up getting engaged and married to someone I knew wasn't the right one for me.
You might wonder why I stayed in a marriage that I was so miserable in for so long. The reasons were several. Fear was a big one. My two children were another. Giving up my career as a health professional to raise them was another. Having no source of income as a result was another. Being in a horrible car accident when my daughter was six months old and suffering permanent neuro-muscular damage was another. Not having a family that would help me end it was another. But the major reason I stayed was because my husband alienated me from others, belittled and berated me, made me dependent on him financially, wore me down emotionally and mentally and threatened me constantly that if I thought being married to him was bad, I should just wait and see what would happen if I tried to divorce him. He would make sure that I wound up with nothing.
I can tell you that without a doubt he is doing everything in his power to make that a reality.
I've been looking forward to getting a divorce for a long time.... 26 years to be exact. Actually the thought of ending my marriage came to me as I walked down the aisle to say "I do." This was definitely not a match made in heaven, nor was it one I ever wanted. However I was in the minority and it appeared that my vote didn't count or matter. My parents thought that Dick was the right one for me, his parents agreed and Dick wanted to marry me because my dad owned a real estate office. He thought he was marrying into money and would be living on "Easy Street."
Boy was my new husband in for a shocker. As unbelievable as this may sound, my in laws misread my dad's business card. It clearly stated that his office was a member of several multiple listing services and there were over 3,000 salespeople in the MLS. My new relatives excitedly thought my dad had all these individuals working for him and we were loaded. It's amazing what comes out after the honeymoon. Didn't they realize my last name was not Trump?
By the same token, my parents looked at Dick as someone who fit the criteria of what many Jewish parents stereotypically envision for their daughters "perfect mate for life" ... he was a handsome Jewish doctor. In their eyes, it didn't get much better than this.
In my eyes, it didn't get much worse. Aside from the fact that I didn't love him, he was a very controlling, manipulative, abusive individual. That was how I wound up getting engaged and married to someone I knew wasn't the right one for me.
You might wonder why I stayed in a marriage that I was so miserable in for so long. The reasons were several. Fear was a big one. My two children were another. Giving up my career as a health professional to raise them was another. Having no source of income as a result was another. Being in a horrible car accident when my daughter was six months old and suffering permanent neuro-muscular damage was another. Not having a family that would help me end it was another. But the major reason I stayed was because my husband alienated me from others, belittled and berated me, made me dependent on him financially, wore me down emotionally and mentally and threatened me constantly that if I thought being married to him was bad, I should just wait and see what would happen if I tried to divorce him. He would make sure that I wound up with nothing.
I can tell you that without a doubt he is doing everything in his power to make that a reality.
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