With the kids back in school, I was looking forward to things settling down for awhile so I can catch my breath and recharge my batteries. Who was I kidding! What do they say about there is no rest for the weary...or maybe I just made that up because I am so wiped out and I can't enjoy any downtime or think straight anymore. The longer this divorce process drags on, the greater the toll it is taking on me. It sure would be nice if I could get away for mini-vacations every few weeks just like Dick and Juanita are doing. Why does he always have all the fun and get away with everything in the process? I guess some things in life I'll never find the answer to. At this point, I'm hoping that at the end of this journey, I'll find my rainbow with its pot of gold waiting for me. I told you that I'm not thinking clearly anymore.
No sooner did I take a slight breather from all the shenanigans that transpired in our home over winter break, when I was hit with another bombshell. Not long after I filed for divorce, my attorney told me that I should go after sole custody of Marni because Dick is such a control freak, he doesn't talk to me, show me any respect or feel that he has to discuss anything with me. My lawyer felt that it would be impossible for Dick and me to make any joint decisions about Marni, even though we are only talking about a little more than two years that this arrangement would last. Of course, as can be expected, Dick wants joint custody. Both lawyers had a status meeting with the judge after the first of the year, and the court ruled that Dick and I should see a mediator to see if we can come to some workable agreement. When Dick heard this, he hit the roof.
Immediately, without my knowledge he had a private discussion with Marni about the court order. A few nights later, he called Marni and me into the kitchen and told me there was something he needed to tell me. Marni said she wanted to leave the room and Dick adamantly refused. He made her stay put and listen to what he was going to say. He then proceeded to tell me that over the weekend he told Marni about "my plan" for sole custody. They both agreed that they want joint custody. Dick continued by saying that if Marni is asked what she wants, that is what she will say. Therefore, there is no way I will ever get sole custody. He proceeded on that he is her father, he will make decisions about her future and will see his daughter whenever he wants. I will not keep him from doing that. On a roll at this point, he stated that the judge was appalled by what I am trying to do, especially since there is only a little over two years that we are talking about.
Building up steam, he blamed me for dragging on this divorce. Furthermore, he accused me of bringing in an additional attorney, ranting that instead of two attorneys we now have three. *For the record, we have two attorneys and one mediator. Yelling at the top of his lungs, he roared, "I promise you will not get sole custody. Just wait until you see what HAPPENS to you and what you will be left with when this divorce is over."
I was livid. I told Dick that he had absolutely no business discussing any of this with Marni. She is not part of the decision-making process and didn't need to hear, concern herself or worry about this matter. I then told Marni that custody only has to do with making decisions and I would never do anything to keep her and her father from seeing each other. The tension level rose as did our voices and tempers. Marni started crying and shaking. threatening to leave the house. At this point, Dick turned to her and said, "This is all your mother's fault. This is the kind of mother you have. Do you see what she is doing to you?
Marni ran into her room, shut the door and proceeded to sob loudly and uncontrollably. Needing to get away from Dick and his hateful, hurtful tirade, I mindlessly made my way into the family room and turned on the television for a little diversion. (Not that I had any clue what was on.) Dick followed me and made it clear he was not through with me yet. There was much more that he had to "talk" to me about. He went on to explain that he has a copy of the court order and he has read it over very carefully several times. He informed me that it clearly states that both parties have to split the cost of the mediator. He even called his attorney and verified that we each have to pay for our share. He further claimed that his attorney told him he should take my share out of the money that he is supposed to give me for my expenses, giving me half the amount he is supposed to. I listened to him and simply responded that I will be calling my attorney in the morning. Feeling that he got everything out of his system, he finally shut up and left the room.
Completely shaking, I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to relax by watching Oprah. I don't have a clue what her show was about, nor did I sleep at all that night. The next morning, I apologized to Marni for losing my temper. She told me it was okay. I told her she was being kind,. It definitely was not alright. I was very upset that her father dragged her into a matter that was not her concern and manipulated her into taking sides against me. No parent should ever put his/her child into that position. Before leaving for school, Marni told me that Dick had called Josh at school over the weekend and told him about my plans too. She wanted me to call Josh and explain the situation to him too. As she walked out the door, she added, "Don't tell Dad I told you about this." I promised her that I definitely wouldn't.
That afternoon I called Josh and did more damage control. When I said that I heard his father discussed the custody issue with him, his first response was, "I don't care." I told him that he shouldn't care because this matter doesn't concern him, nor should he have been told about the circumstances. I explained that custody has to do with making decisions and neither his father nor I know exactly this entails so there was absolutely no reason to involve him and Marni in something that is not their business. I further reassured him that it is not my intent to keep either one of my children away from their father, even though Josh is an adult at this time and he can make his own decisions about who he sees and when. He was relieved by the end of our chat. I was totally drained.
What a day. To think all of this could have been avoided if Dick would only grow up and act his age instead of behaving like a spoiled rotten child. Is it any wonder why my attorney feels I should have sole custody???
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The War Wages On
Since Josh came back for his extended winter break in mid-December and Marni was off of school, for the holidays, "The War Of The Cohens" saw an increase in casualties as a result of the relentless and dangerous fighting on the home front. Dick, in his self-appointed role as commander in chief, was ruthless in his attacks. Of course, the targeted enemy in this battle was me and his first recruit for this mission was our son, Josh.
As Josh's first semester of his last year of college drew to a close and he was gearing up for three weeks of R & R, there was a change in his tone of voice and demeanor whenever I spoke with him on the phone. I knew he had mixed feelings about what would await him upon his arrival back at the homestead. While Marni deals with the day in and day out drama that plays out here, Josh is far removed from the situation, both physically and emotionally. During one of our conversations, he had expressed to me that as the day quickly approached when he would once again walk through our front door and into the line of fire, he was filled with apprehension, fear and anxiety over what would transpire during his visit. His premonitions did not disappoint.
Dick wasted no time monopolizing all of Josh's free moments, energy and loyalty as he quickly and secretly filled up his social calendar personally, monetarily and emotionally. Starting with securing prime seats at a Bulls game for the two of them and whisking Josh away almost as soon as he pulled up in the driveway that very first evening home, to paying for his trip to Vegas with his frat buddies at the end of break, Dick did everything in his power to make sure every micro-second of Josh's life during his visit home revolved around him. Of course, these perks weren't offered out of the goodness of Dick's heart and his intense and burning love for his only son. No way. In fact there was a very high price to pay for all this attention, affection and indulgence. So to speak, Josh had to sell his soul to the devil. In return for all that was bestowed upon him, he became Dick's little puppet, being manipulated and coerced into treating me exactly the way his father did. Josh was a good student, learned well and was rewarded handsomely for his accomplishments. Every day when I would ask Josh if he was going anywhere, he would tell me he didn't know. As soon as Dick would walk in the door, the two would take off. Daily, they would go for lunch, out for dinner, to movies, shopping, etc. It was getting harder and harder to communicate with Josh and I began to wonder if he really was so brainwashed that he couldn't see the situation for what it was. Worse than that, I feared that when my son would get married and raise a family, he would become the spitting image of his father. I cringed at the thought of how miserable his life would turn out to be if he didn't wake up, develop some backbone, think for himself and stand up to his papa. Realistically, I knew it was too much to ask for now. Josh is in many ways still a child. He wants what he wants and will do whatever it takes to keep the good times rolling for himself. The kid is not stupid. He's figured out early on that in order to maintain his fathers' love, interest and financial support, he has to jump high, often and on a moment's notice. Among all his other natural talents, Josh has also proven to be quite the athlete!
All hell broke loose the Saturday prior to New Year's. That morning, I asked Josh if he was going anywhere for dinner. ( I wanted to spend some time with my son while he was in town.) As usual, his answer was an abrupt, brash, "I don't know." Later in the afternoon, I meandered into Josh's room and again posed the same question, to which I received the same response. As soon as I stepped out of the door, Dick walked in and told him that he made dinner reservations for 7:00. That was all I had to hear. My blood began to boil. As Dick passed me in the hallway, he maniacally glared at me with a smirk on his mouth that reeked of "Ha-Ha, What are you going to do about it. I win, you lose," I eyed Dick back with a poker-faced expression, walked back in, closed the door behind me and in a very controlled, soft-spoken, non-threatening manner asked Josh why he just lied to me. Just like his father, he looked at me stone faced and replied in a condescending tone that he didn't know what I was talking about. It was simultaneously sickening and disgusting to look at the expression on his face and hear the words that were coming out of his mouth. Had he not been my son whom I carried for almost nine months (he was born three weeks early), sick as a dog for most of the duration of the pregnancy, labored for nearly two days to deliver him, nursed, nurtured, loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul and would have given my life for, I could have murdered him on the spot. How dare he treat me this way! I told him how disappointed I was in how he was behaving and how he was choosing to speak to me. I reminded him that I am his mother and I deserve to be treated with respect. (At that moment the Saturday night Live skit in which the mom repeatedly kept telling her son ,"I AM YOUR MOTHER," popped into my head.) I fervently continued, "When I ask a question, I expect an honest answer from you, not some made up B.S. that you mistakenly think I would accept." With that I left the room and went downstairs. He followed me to my next location and had the audacity to continue his diatribe with, " I thought you were asking me what I was doing LATER tonight after dinner. I might get together with some friends, but I'm not sure what the plans are yet. You never specifically asked about where I will be eating." I told him to stop talking to me like I'm a moron because this treatment is totally unacceptable. Amazingly, he has no problem opening up his mouth to me, but with Dick he becomes a wimp. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, that he feels totally comfortable expressing himself to me without worrying that I will withhold my love from him regardless of what he says. For now, I'll hold on to this notion.
About a week after Josh arrived home for break, he asked me if I would drive him to the airport the Monday after New Year's Day because he would be going to Las Vegas to meet up with a few of his frat buddies. (This trip was news to me.) I queried if he asked his father for a ride since the two of them had practically became Siamese Twins joined at the hip unable to make a move unless both did so simultaneously. He informed me that Dick would be at work and wouldn't be available. At the time, I happily offered to be the designated driver. However, all bets were off when this incident occurred.
While this episode was playing itself out, I informed Josh that lying to me was totally unacceptable and because of how he was choosing to treat me, he will need to find another ride to the airport. He will not get away with being nice to me when he wants something and doing a one-eighty when there's no payoff for him.
As it turned out, Dick stayed with Juanita till that Monday evening. However, Daddy Dearest generously paid for Josh's cab fare to the airport and then picked Josh up at O'Hare when his plane landed back in Chicago three days later.
This being his first trip to "Sin City" as a legal adult, Josh had a wonderful time. He came home animated, happy and relaxed. His face lit up as he shared some amusing stories about his recent experiences. Of course, I realized his tales were edited. Because as we all know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Regardless, he needed to get away from the immense pressure and tension weighing on him like a swollen, dark, ominous storm cloud struggling to contain itself until the bulk of it all becomes too oppressive and a torrential, violent downpour angrily releases its buildup, relentlessly showering down its contents until totally drained. Away from the situation, even for the few days, did wonders for his mood and demeanor. Two days later, Josh packed up his car and headed back to school. Lucky kid.
As Josh's first semester of his last year of college drew to a close and he was gearing up for three weeks of R & R, there was a change in his tone of voice and demeanor whenever I spoke with him on the phone. I knew he had mixed feelings about what would await him upon his arrival back at the homestead. While Marni deals with the day in and day out drama that plays out here, Josh is far removed from the situation, both physically and emotionally. During one of our conversations, he had expressed to me that as the day quickly approached when he would once again walk through our front door and into the line of fire, he was filled with apprehension, fear and anxiety over what would transpire during his visit. His premonitions did not disappoint.
Dick wasted no time monopolizing all of Josh's free moments, energy and loyalty as he quickly and secretly filled up his social calendar personally, monetarily and emotionally. Starting with securing prime seats at a Bulls game for the two of them and whisking Josh away almost as soon as he pulled up in the driveway that very first evening home, to paying for his trip to Vegas with his frat buddies at the end of break, Dick did everything in his power to make sure every micro-second of Josh's life during his visit home revolved around him. Of course, these perks weren't offered out of the goodness of Dick's heart and his intense and burning love for his only son. No way. In fact there was a very high price to pay for all this attention, affection and indulgence. So to speak, Josh had to sell his soul to the devil. In return for all that was bestowed upon him, he became Dick's little puppet, being manipulated and coerced into treating me exactly the way his father did. Josh was a good student, learned well and was rewarded handsomely for his accomplishments. Every day when I would ask Josh if he was going anywhere, he would tell me he didn't know. As soon as Dick would walk in the door, the two would take off. Daily, they would go for lunch, out for dinner, to movies, shopping, etc. It was getting harder and harder to communicate with Josh and I began to wonder if he really was so brainwashed that he couldn't see the situation for what it was. Worse than that, I feared that when my son would get married and raise a family, he would become the spitting image of his father. I cringed at the thought of how miserable his life would turn out to be if he didn't wake up, develop some backbone, think for himself and stand up to his papa. Realistically, I knew it was too much to ask for now. Josh is in many ways still a child. He wants what he wants and will do whatever it takes to keep the good times rolling for himself. The kid is not stupid. He's figured out early on that in order to maintain his fathers' love, interest and financial support, he has to jump high, often and on a moment's notice. Among all his other natural talents, Josh has also proven to be quite the athlete!
All hell broke loose the Saturday prior to New Year's. That morning, I asked Josh if he was going anywhere for dinner. ( I wanted to spend some time with my son while he was in town.) As usual, his answer was an abrupt, brash, "I don't know." Later in the afternoon, I meandered into Josh's room and again posed the same question, to which I received the same response. As soon as I stepped out of the door, Dick walked in and told him that he made dinner reservations for 7:00. That was all I had to hear. My blood began to boil. As Dick passed me in the hallway, he maniacally glared at me with a smirk on his mouth that reeked of "Ha-Ha, What are you going to do about it. I win, you lose," I eyed Dick back with a poker-faced expression, walked back in, closed the door behind me and in a very controlled, soft-spoken, non-threatening manner asked Josh why he just lied to me. Just like his father, he looked at me stone faced and replied in a condescending tone that he didn't know what I was talking about. It was simultaneously sickening and disgusting to look at the expression on his face and hear the words that were coming out of his mouth. Had he not been my son whom I carried for almost nine months (he was born three weeks early), sick as a dog for most of the duration of the pregnancy, labored for nearly two days to deliver him, nursed, nurtured, loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul and would have given my life for, I could have murdered him on the spot. How dare he treat me this way! I told him how disappointed I was in how he was behaving and how he was choosing to speak to me. I reminded him that I am his mother and I deserve to be treated with respect. (At that moment the Saturday night Live skit in which the mom repeatedly kept telling her son ,"I AM YOUR MOTHER," popped into my head.) I fervently continued, "When I ask a question, I expect an honest answer from you, not some made up B.S. that you mistakenly think I would accept." With that I left the room and went downstairs. He followed me to my next location and had the audacity to continue his diatribe with, " I thought you were asking me what I was doing LATER tonight after dinner. I might get together with some friends, but I'm not sure what the plans are yet. You never specifically asked about where I will be eating." I told him to stop talking to me like I'm a moron because this treatment is totally unacceptable. Amazingly, he has no problem opening up his mouth to me, but with Dick he becomes a wimp. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, that he feels totally comfortable expressing himself to me without worrying that I will withhold my love from him regardless of what he says. For now, I'll hold on to this notion.
About a week after Josh arrived home for break, he asked me if I would drive him to the airport the Monday after New Year's Day because he would be going to Las Vegas to meet up with a few of his frat buddies. (This trip was news to me.) I queried if he asked his father for a ride since the two of them had practically became Siamese Twins joined at the hip unable to make a move unless both did so simultaneously. He informed me that Dick would be at work and wouldn't be available. At the time, I happily offered to be the designated driver. However, all bets were off when this incident occurred.
While this episode was playing itself out, I informed Josh that lying to me was totally unacceptable and because of how he was choosing to treat me, he will need to find another ride to the airport. He will not get away with being nice to me when he wants something and doing a one-eighty when there's no payoff for him.
As it turned out, Dick stayed with Juanita till that Monday evening. However, Daddy Dearest generously paid for Josh's cab fare to the airport and then picked Josh up at O'Hare when his plane landed back in Chicago three days later.
This being his first trip to "Sin City" as a legal adult, Josh had a wonderful time. He came home animated, happy and relaxed. His face lit up as he shared some amusing stories about his recent experiences. Of course, I realized his tales were edited. Because as we all know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Regardless, he needed to get away from the immense pressure and tension weighing on him like a swollen, dark, ominous storm cloud struggling to contain itself until the bulk of it all becomes too oppressive and a torrential, violent downpour angrily releases its buildup, relentlessly showering down its contents until totally drained. Away from the situation, even for the few days, did wonders for his mood and demeanor. Two days later, Josh packed up his car and headed back to school. Lucky kid.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
It's A New Day, A New Month, A New Year And A New Decade
New Year's Eve is always an exciting time for me. Even though it is just another night, symbolically it represents a fresh start, a clean slate and a chance to make positive, healthy changes. With everything going on in my life, I was anxious for 2009 to end and 2010 to begin. Let's face it, this hasn't exactly been a period in my life that I would want to continue ad nauseam. However, ever since college, I always looked forward to the parties, the friends and the hoopla of bidding farewell to the old and welcoming in the new. For the past several years, we gathered at a good friend of Dick's home, had appetizers, dinner, dessert, socialized and around 11:00 would gather around the television to watch the annual Dick Clark New Year's Eve event in New York City and start the festivities as the ball dropped in Times Square. Then the show switched to parties at various locales around Chicago and the next hour would miraculously fly by till the countdown for us would begin. Party hats were adorned, blowers were passed out, champagne was poured and as we all yelled in unison: Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven...Six...Five...Four...Three..Two...One....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
we immediately followed this up with hugs, kisses and a toast for a wonderful new year filled with all of life's greatest gifts. When things started to really turn sour between Dick and me, we both dreaded that final countdown because we would have to give each other the customary peck on the cheek even though both of us would have preferred to take a pass.
In early December, I knew that Dick and Juanita would be celebrating this holiday together in her neck of the woods so I started hinting to Marni that she should have a party at our house. At first she balked at the idea, claiming that her friends would want to be with their families. Then a few weeks later, she said that one of her friends was thinking of having a gathering at her house. I told Marni if those plans fell through, she was welcome to have everyone at our place. Secretly I was hoping that would happen. My motive was somewhat selfish. I didn't have anywhere to go and I didn't want to be home alone, feeling sorry for myself and thinking of what Dick and Juanita might possibly be doing. Nor did I want to wallow in depression or self pity. As it turned out, my wish came true and our house was going to be "Party Central."
It was good to have something fun to look forward to. Getting into the holiday spirit, I began planning and shopping for the first party that the Cohen family hosted in as long as I can remember. This year, especially, I wanted to welcome in the new year with our house filled with happiness, laughter, fun, friends (okay Marni's friends) and a fresh beginning. I bought festive decorations, plates, napkins, silverware, non-alcoholic sparkling grape cider and plastic fluted wine glasses. Marni and I planned the menu and her friends all offered to bake desserts. Everything was positive and upbeat until Marni told Dick about her upcoming event. He went berserk, threatening her that if anything was broken or ruined, her friends and she would have to pay for the damages. (What a guy!!!) Being the control freak that he is, Dick barked out orders of what shouldn't be moved or touched. As it turned out, he left in the middle of the afternoon on December 31 and told Marni that he was going away for a business opportunity. As Josh drove him to the airport, Marni and I got the basement decorated, set the table, put out the appetizers and drinks and totally ignored Dick's demands. It felt so good to be in charge and disregard the orders left by my soon-to-be-ex.
The party turned out to be a complete success. In fact, half the girls stayed overnight and didn't leave until the following afternoon. A good friend of mine, invited Josh, Marni and me to come over for a New Year's Day dinner and birthday party for another one of our friends. Josh, who was out all night with his college pals, took a pass, but Marni and I went and enjoyed another evening of festivities. All in all, it was a wonderful start to a new year, a new beginning and a new tradition.
we immediately followed this up with hugs, kisses and a toast for a wonderful new year filled with all of life's greatest gifts. When things started to really turn sour between Dick and me, we both dreaded that final countdown because we would have to give each other the customary peck on the cheek even though both of us would have preferred to take a pass.
In early December, I knew that Dick and Juanita would be celebrating this holiday together in her neck of the woods so I started hinting to Marni that she should have a party at our house. At first she balked at the idea, claiming that her friends would want to be with their families. Then a few weeks later, she said that one of her friends was thinking of having a gathering at her house. I told Marni if those plans fell through, she was welcome to have everyone at our place. Secretly I was hoping that would happen. My motive was somewhat selfish. I didn't have anywhere to go and I didn't want to be home alone, feeling sorry for myself and thinking of what Dick and Juanita might possibly be doing. Nor did I want to wallow in depression or self pity. As it turned out, my wish came true and our house was going to be "Party Central."
It was good to have something fun to look forward to. Getting into the holiday spirit, I began planning and shopping for the first party that the Cohen family hosted in as long as I can remember. This year, especially, I wanted to welcome in the new year with our house filled with happiness, laughter, fun, friends (okay Marni's friends) and a fresh beginning. I bought festive decorations, plates, napkins, silverware, non-alcoholic sparkling grape cider and plastic fluted wine glasses. Marni and I planned the menu and her friends all offered to bake desserts. Everything was positive and upbeat until Marni told Dick about her upcoming event. He went berserk, threatening her that if anything was broken or ruined, her friends and she would have to pay for the damages. (What a guy!!!) Being the control freak that he is, Dick barked out orders of what shouldn't be moved or touched. As it turned out, he left in the middle of the afternoon on December 31 and told Marni that he was going away for a business opportunity. As Josh drove him to the airport, Marni and I got the basement decorated, set the table, put out the appetizers and drinks and totally ignored Dick's demands. It felt so good to be in charge and disregard the orders left by my soon-to-be-ex.
The party turned out to be a complete success. In fact, half the girls stayed overnight and didn't leave until the following afternoon. A good friend of mine, invited Josh, Marni and me to come over for a New Year's Day dinner and birthday party for another one of our friends. Josh, who was out all night with his college pals, took a pass, but Marni and I went and enjoyed another evening of festivities. All in all, it was a wonderful start to a new year, a new beginning and a new tradition.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Done In By The Jersey Boys
The first week in December, there was a change in Dick and Juanita's normal routine. Instead of him flying out to see her, she came to our fair city of Chicago for a visit. They couldn't have picked a better time for their little soiree. Marni was going to Wisconsin for the weekend on a school field trip. On the Wednesday night before she left, Dick told Marni that he would be in Chicago for a conference from Thursday through Sunday so he wouldn't be home to wish her a good trip before she left. I wondered if Marni bought what Dick was telling her. We live only about 45 minutes north of the city and his attending an event downtown wouldn't warrant a hotel stay. Whether she thought something was fishy or not, she never said. I, on the other hand knew what was going on.
Dick bought Juanita a round-trip airline ticket costing close to $800. I also believed that he booked a room for the two of them at a Marriott in a suburb near O'Hare airport but I wanted to be sure. That Friday, in the late afternoon, I telephoned the hotel and asked to be connected to Dick Cohen's room. I was told that no one had checked in under that name. So faining confusion I said, "Oh I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm thinking . The reservation must be under Corazone." The desk clerk told me that they indeed had a party by that name registered and proceeded to forward my call to the room. This was like deja vu... once again my heart was racing as I placed a call to Juanita. The phone rang and rang and finally voice mail picked up. I had no plans of leaving a message. I just wanted to confirm what I suspected. At that point, instinctively I realized my suspicion that Dick had also purchased tickets for the two of them to see The Jersey Boys on Saturday night was true. Ever since the performance came to town everyone who saw it raved about it and encouraged Dick and me to see it. I brought it up to him several times, saying how much we would enjoy it but he totally ignored me. When I discovered that he and Juanita were seeing it, this "affair" took on a whole new meaning for me. I felt like a knife was just stabbed into my heart, twisted back and forth and in and out until the damage was irreparable. While Dick wasn't aware that I knew about his little getaway, the fact that he was seeing this play with another woman was simply one of his ploys of throwing more salt on an already open and oozing wound.
As crazy as it sounds, my mentality up to that point was "out of sight, out of mind." In other words, "what happens on the west coast, stays on the west coast." I think some sort of defense mechanism kicked in to protect me from all the shock I was dealing with and allowed me to go through the motions of handling the divorce as best as I could. I knew Dick had a relationship with another woman. I had seen Juanita's photo on the Internet, (what respectable doctor has a My Space page, uploads a sexy picture of herself and writes she is looking to meet men in her upscale suburb???). Even after she and I had our "friendly" little phone chat, as goofy as this may seem, their relationship didn't feel real to me until I found out about The Jersey Boys tickets. All of a sudden, this was happening in my own backyard. It wasn't an abstract concept anymore. I could potentially run into the two of them anywhere and come face to face with the live image of what up till that point my imagination was conjuring up. Then the devastation of the whole situation struck me like a major earthquake severing the ground, collapsing every standing structure in its' path and trapping innocent victims in the rubble (the kids and me being the first casualties). The magnitude of this disaster was immeasurable. It was off the Richter scale. Why? Because Dick was in fast-forward mode. We were in the divorcing process. He was taking action to move on with his life. In the past, he tormented me by carrying on with other women, justifying his actions to his narcissistic mind and to me as well, that he had a right to be with them because he wasn't attracted to me, I wasn't a good wife, I didn't turn him on, etc., etc., etc. To make matters worse, these broads always came across like I was the one who was interfering with their relationship even though Dick and I were the couple. But, during those sporadic interludes, he never considered tearing apart our family and starting over with someone else.He always apologized and said we should work things out for the kids sake. This time he's raring to go and taking the necessary steps to ensure it will happen for real. It's going to take a lifetime of counseling to try to heal all the emotional and mental suffering he inflicted on me throughout our long, abusive marriage.
Until The Jersey Boys incident, I was numb. I think it was nature's way of anesthetizing me to life and allowing me to wake up each and every morning to my own personal equivalent of daily 9/11 attacks and keep functioning in the face of complete shock and devastation. When I confronted Juanita on the phone a short time back, I remember feeling like I was having an out- of-body experience. None of it seemed real. I went through the motions. but it couldn't possibly be happening to me. In fact, after the fact, I often described that encounter to others saying that I could have starred on Desperate Housewives and often joked that The Cohens could be a new addition to Wisteria Lane. We would fit right in with all the other drama on the show.
But this isn't a nighttime soap. This is reality. When I was a little girl and dreamed of growing up, getting married and raising a family, my vision always looked like a scene from Leave It To Beaver. How I wound up cast in Psycho instead is beyond me.
Dick bought Juanita a round-trip airline ticket costing close to $800. I also believed that he booked a room for the two of them at a Marriott in a suburb near O'Hare airport but I wanted to be sure. That Friday, in the late afternoon, I telephoned the hotel and asked to be connected to Dick Cohen's room. I was told that no one had checked in under that name. So faining confusion I said, "Oh I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm thinking . The reservation must be under Corazone." The desk clerk told me that they indeed had a party by that name registered and proceeded to forward my call to the room. This was like deja vu... once again my heart was racing as I placed a call to Juanita. The phone rang and rang and finally voice mail picked up. I had no plans of leaving a message. I just wanted to confirm what I suspected. At that point, instinctively I realized my suspicion that Dick had also purchased tickets for the two of them to see The Jersey Boys on Saturday night was true. Ever since the performance came to town everyone who saw it raved about it and encouraged Dick and me to see it. I brought it up to him several times, saying how much we would enjoy it but he totally ignored me. When I discovered that he and Juanita were seeing it, this "affair" took on a whole new meaning for me. I felt like a knife was just stabbed into my heart, twisted back and forth and in and out until the damage was irreparable. While Dick wasn't aware that I knew about his little getaway, the fact that he was seeing this play with another woman was simply one of his ploys of throwing more salt on an already open and oozing wound.
As crazy as it sounds, my mentality up to that point was "out of sight, out of mind." In other words, "what happens on the west coast, stays on the west coast." I think some sort of defense mechanism kicked in to protect me from all the shock I was dealing with and allowed me to go through the motions of handling the divorce as best as I could. I knew Dick had a relationship with another woman. I had seen Juanita's photo on the Internet, (what respectable doctor has a My Space page, uploads a sexy picture of herself and writes she is looking to meet men in her upscale suburb???). Even after she and I had our "friendly" little phone chat, as goofy as this may seem, their relationship didn't feel real to me until I found out about The Jersey Boys tickets. All of a sudden, this was happening in my own backyard. It wasn't an abstract concept anymore. I could potentially run into the two of them anywhere and come face to face with the live image of what up till that point my imagination was conjuring up. Then the devastation of the whole situation struck me like a major earthquake severing the ground, collapsing every standing structure in its' path and trapping innocent victims in the rubble (the kids and me being the first casualties). The magnitude of this disaster was immeasurable. It was off the Richter scale. Why? Because Dick was in fast-forward mode. We were in the divorcing process. He was taking action to move on with his life. In the past, he tormented me by carrying on with other women, justifying his actions to his narcissistic mind and to me as well, that he had a right to be with them because he wasn't attracted to me, I wasn't a good wife, I didn't turn him on, etc., etc., etc. To make matters worse, these broads always came across like I was the one who was interfering with their relationship even though Dick and I were the couple. But, during those sporadic interludes, he never considered tearing apart our family and starting over with someone else.He always apologized and said we should work things out for the kids sake. This time he's raring to go and taking the necessary steps to ensure it will happen for real. It's going to take a lifetime of counseling to try to heal all the emotional and mental suffering he inflicted on me throughout our long, abusive marriage.
Until The Jersey Boys incident, I was numb. I think it was nature's way of anesthetizing me to life and allowing me to wake up each and every morning to my own personal equivalent of daily 9/11 attacks and keep functioning in the face of complete shock and devastation. When I confronted Juanita on the phone a short time back, I remember feeling like I was having an out- of-body experience. None of it seemed real. I went through the motions. but it couldn't possibly be happening to me. In fact, after the fact, I often described that encounter to others saying that I could have starred on Desperate Housewives and often joked that The Cohens could be a new addition to Wisteria Lane. We would fit right in with all the other drama on the show.
But this isn't a nighttime soap. This is reality. When I was a little girl and dreamed of growing up, getting married and raising a family, my vision always looked like a scene from Leave It To Beaver. How I wound up cast in Psycho instead is beyond me.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Pair Of Docs...
What a paradox this "pair of docs" have become. Dick is head over heels in love...with other peoples' money that is. He always has been and always will be. For as long as I've known him, he's had a knack for sniffing out individuals who had money and befriending them. He figured out how much they had,(or at least he thought he did) how lucky they were to have it, and most important of all, he obsessively brainstormed about the various ways he could get a piece of the pie. As I said before, he thought I was his ticket to "the good life." When he learned the hard (and now the expensive) way that was not the case, he immediately turned off the charm, and let his true colors shine through. And from extensive personal experience, I can vouch for the fact that those colors ain't pretty. They're downright putrid. For several years, he even had the audacity to tell me that I always said to him, "You marry me, you marry rich." Of course, that never happened. I never believed my family had any money nor would I tell him we did. When he would say this phrase to me, chills would go up and down my spine and I would get sick to my stomach. This guy I married had a sick, twisted mind. Over the years, he proved me correct. So when I figured out he was seeing Juanita, without knowing too much about her, I was certain that she had a healthy bank account. Seeing smiling men on the faces of paper money specifically on bills with several zeros on them, always brings out the best in Dick. Especially when they belong to single women looking for a mate. Dick would do anything to get into her pants and ultimately into her savings.
From what I'm piecing together, Dick is pulling out all the stops to make Juanita his next bride and she is catching the bait, hook, line and sinker. Since I filed for divorce, Juanita has a new monthly visitor, in addition to her regular one ... assuming "Aunt Flo" still pays regular visits (and I would venture to say that she does, since Dick, who talks to her every night on his cell phone, loudly enough for the whole neighborhood to hear, reminded her one night to take something before she took her evening shower, then chuckled at a comment she had made, and ended that conversation with , "I love you too." ) Every four weeks, or so, Dick has been flying out to be with Juanita. He leaves on Thursday afternoons and returns on Sunday afternoons. During their brief interludes together, thousands of dollars are spent on heavens knows what. I can't even imagine where they could possibly be going or what they could be doing. (I do know how much he is taking with him in cash because this amount is unaccountable from his paychecks) He tells Marni he is going away on "business." When I ask him if he is going out of town, his answer to me is that we are getting a divorce, he can do whatever he wants and he doesn't have to tell me anything anymore.
Lover Boy is acting like he's got money to burn. He's trying to impress Juanita with what he doesn't have so she will think she's hitting the jackpot by falling in love with a wealthy doctor who lives this flamboyantly all the time. One day she'll wake up and see the phony baloney for who he really is. By then, I should be free of Dick and she can find out what a wonderful catch he really is. Throughout our whole marriage, Dick was a tightwad, even with MY money. When we first got married, he bought a small practice that he hoped to build up. I worked at a hospital in Chicago and gave him spending money out of my paychecks. One day, about a month after we married, I told Dick I was going out to buy myself a dress. He went ballistic, yelling that there is no money for me to spend on clothes for myself. A mammoth argument resulted. I went out and bought what I wanted anyway but I also came home with a lot of needless guilt. The pattern for the next 26 years was set. In addition to not wanting to spend a penny on me, after we bought our townhouse, he argued, insisted and eventually brainwashed me to believe we didn't have the funds to spend to fix the place up or replace appliances, windows, carpeting, etc when they wore out or became outdated. These sanctions never applied to himself. For some reason, even though he kept insisting how dire our financial circumstances were, every two to three years, money miraculously materialized for him to buy the latest, fully loaded Mercedes or Lexus. So, while we're sitting on torn chairs which were part of our original kitchen set, freezing in a home with rotted out windows, living with outdated, worn carpeting, window coverings, wallpaper and appliances, washing dishes by hand because our dishwasher broke several years ago, Dr. Dick is investing our money on what he feels are worthwhile commodities: himself and his meal ticket to a new life.
From what I'm piecing together, Dick is pulling out all the stops to make Juanita his next bride and she is catching the bait, hook, line and sinker. Since I filed for divorce, Juanita has a new monthly visitor, in addition to her regular one ... assuming "Aunt Flo" still pays regular visits (and I would venture to say that she does, since Dick, who talks to her every night on his cell phone, loudly enough for the whole neighborhood to hear, reminded her one night to take something before she took her evening shower, then chuckled at a comment she had made, and ended that conversation with , "I love you too." ) Every four weeks, or so, Dick has been flying out to be with Juanita. He leaves on Thursday afternoons and returns on Sunday afternoons. During their brief interludes together, thousands of dollars are spent on heavens knows what. I can't even imagine where they could possibly be going or what they could be doing. (I do know how much he is taking with him in cash because this amount is unaccountable from his paychecks) He tells Marni he is going away on "business." When I ask him if he is going out of town, his answer to me is that we are getting a divorce, he can do whatever he wants and he doesn't have to tell me anything anymore.
Lover Boy is acting like he's got money to burn. He's trying to impress Juanita with what he doesn't have so she will think she's hitting the jackpot by falling in love with a wealthy doctor who lives this flamboyantly all the time. One day she'll wake up and see the phony baloney for who he really is. By then, I should be free of Dick and she can find out what a wonderful catch he really is. Throughout our whole marriage, Dick was a tightwad, even with MY money. When we first got married, he bought a small practice that he hoped to build up. I worked at a hospital in Chicago and gave him spending money out of my paychecks. One day, about a month after we married, I told Dick I was going out to buy myself a dress. He went ballistic, yelling that there is no money for me to spend on clothes for myself. A mammoth argument resulted. I went out and bought what I wanted anyway but I also came home with a lot of needless guilt. The pattern for the next 26 years was set. In addition to not wanting to spend a penny on me, after we bought our townhouse, he argued, insisted and eventually brainwashed me to believe we didn't have the funds to spend to fix the place up or replace appliances, windows, carpeting, etc when they wore out or became outdated. These sanctions never applied to himself. For some reason, even though he kept insisting how dire our financial circumstances were, every two to three years, money miraculously materialized for him to buy the latest, fully loaded Mercedes or Lexus. So, while we're sitting on torn chairs which were part of our original kitchen set, freezing in a home with rotted out windows, living with outdated, worn carpeting, window coverings, wallpaper and appliances, washing dishes by hand because our dishwasher broke several years ago, Dr. Dick is investing our money on what he feels are worthwhile commodities: himself and his meal ticket to a new life.
Taking Stock Of The Situation
Looking back over the past several months, one of the hardest things about this whole divorce process is that I have to continue to share the home with Dick. From what I've been learning, (and I am getting quite the legal education) it is very difficult, if not nearly impossible, to get the husband to move out of the house, unless he is physically abusive or threatens with a weapon. Believe me, I discussed how to make this possibility a reality with my attorney. He refused to consider this at all. Of course, he's not the one subjected day and night to this inhumane way of life. Maybe if he were in my shoes, he would look at things differently.
Being the Pollyanna that I am, I had to find the silver lining to my current status. I decided that living with Dick post filing for divorce has its advantages and disadvantages. Granted, there's very little to sugarcoat here. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that the negative certainly outweighs the positive. Even Pollyanna realizes that! However, had Dick moved out of our home like any self-respecting, jerky, low-life who used his wife till he found someone better should have, I never would have found out about Juanita and what the two of them have been up to. So do I consider this a good or a bad thing? From the standpoint of it totally destroying my self-esteem and self-worth, it is beyond horrible. Obsessing over the numerous ways I envision Dick suffering throughout eternity for the way he is and has been treating me and for dissipating marital assets, (or in layman's terms---spending an exorbitant amount of OUR money on his new girlfriend) has some therapeutic benefits. Being able to document (this is where my newly acquired super-sleuth skills come in) and prove that he is doing what I think he is doing which should help my case and sway the settlement in my favor is definitely priceless. Geez, this almost sounds like an ad for MasterCard. (Actually, it probably could be... attorneys take credit cards as a method of payment for their services.) I could see it now...
Twenty six years living with an abusive spouse ---tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and still counting ...
Finally getting rid of the scumbag---priceless!!!
For times like these... there's MasterCard
For now, I have to hang tight and wait things out. Or as my yoga teacher always says, "Life is perfect just the way it is. If you weren't meant to be where you are, you would be somewhere else. Learn the lesson you are supposed to and move on." From that standpoint, I must really be a slow learner. It's taken me 26 years to get to this point! The Pollyanna in me says, "Better late than never."
Being the Pollyanna that I am, I had to find the silver lining to my current status. I decided that living with Dick post filing for divorce has its advantages and disadvantages. Granted, there's very little to sugarcoat here. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that the negative certainly outweighs the positive. Even Pollyanna realizes that! However, had Dick moved out of our home like any self-respecting, jerky, low-life who used his wife till he found someone better should have, I never would have found out about Juanita and what the two of them have been up to. So do I consider this a good or a bad thing? From the standpoint of it totally destroying my self-esteem and self-worth, it is beyond horrible. Obsessing over the numerous ways I envision Dick suffering throughout eternity for the way he is and has been treating me and for dissipating marital assets, (or in layman's terms---spending an exorbitant amount of OUR money on his new girlfriend) has some therapeutic benefits. Being able to document (this is where my newly acquired super-sleuth skills come in) and prove that he is doing what I think he is doing which should help my case and sway the settlement in my favor is definitely priceless. Geez, this almost sounds like an ad for MasterCard. (Actually, it probably could be... attorneys take credit cards as a method of payment for their services.) I could see it now...
Twenty six years living with an abusive spouse ---tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and still counting ...
Finally getting rid of the scumbag---priceless!!!
For times like these... there's MasterCard
For now, I have to hang tight and wait things out. Or as my yoga teacher always says, "Life is perfect just the way it is. If you weren't meant to be where you are, you would be somewhere else. Learn the lesson you are supposed to and move on." From that standpoint, I must really be a slow learner. It's taken me 26 years to get to this point! The Pollyanna in me says, "Better late than never."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It Takes A Village
Several years ago, Hillary Rodham Clinton popularized the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child." I believe it also takes a village to get through the divorce process. This is something one should never attempt to tackle alone. In addition to keeping up with the nuances of daily life,the amount of stress, life-changing information to take in, act on and adapt to and the emotional roller coaster you've been thrown on that would without a doubt, rival any E ticket ride at Disney, is down right overwhelming, exhausting and oftentimes absolutely unbearable.
While you don't want to go through a divorce by yourself, the key is to find the right "support team" to be there for you every step of the way. Speaking from experience, when life gets this out of whack, the best way to get through the crisis is to rely only on people who have your best interest at heart. If not, then in addition to what you were originally dealing with, you'll also have to contend with these other individuals' personal agendas, which oftentimes are not in sync with yours. Ultimately this only complicates matters and makes what you were initially coping with seem mild in comparison. Trust me, I've been there and done that. Learn from my mistakes and your life will be so much easier and happier. How will you know who to trust? It's actually quite simple. Everyone shows you their true colors when things are great in your life and likewise when things absolutely suck. This is when you discover quickly who your real friends are. Just to clarify, true pals are happy when things go well for you and are sad when things go bad. As hard as it is to believe, some have this concept completely screwed up. For whatever reason, they are upset when you're on top of the world and are joyous when you are suffering. Make no mistake about it, no matter what they might say or do to convince you otherwise, these are not your allies. They are your enemies. Many times they come disguised as friends and relatives. Sadly, it happens a lot. It also hurts a lot. I can't think of too many things that are more painful than being betrayed and back stabbed by so-called loved ones. Having them contaminate your life with their anger, jealousy and hatred when what you need is kindness, understanding and compassion is wrong, unnecessary and damaging. As hard as this might sound, what's not good... got to go.
Instead, focus in on who and what's right in your life. As best as possible, ignore the negative. Otherwise you waste all your energy being upset with those who are trying to make your life miserable and completely ignore all the wonderful souls who truly care and want to see you happy. It's a no win situation. Believe me, right now, there are a few "bad apples" who are doing everything in their power to make me feel even worse than I already do. Being completely riled up by their inexcusable behavior, I had to say to myself, "Are you going to let a few cads who have no brains, common sense or hearts get to you or are you going to concentrate and appreciate the multitude of life savers who have come forward to help and support you?" When I thought about it that way, the answer was easy. I'm very lucky in that I've been truly blessed with an amazing group of human angels. They always say and do the right things and magically appear just when I need them the most with a phone call, e-mail or invitation to get together. There's no other way to explain it except to believe they are heaven sent.
At this point I need to acknowledge all my friends and relatives who make sure I stay strong, focused and positive and give me the will to carry on... even though I would much rather quit playing the game, walk away from the table and cash in my chips. When the time is right, I'll thank each and every one of you in a special way. For now, know that you are the wind beneath my wings and because of all of your support, friendship, encouragement, advice, concern and love, I will find my direction, gain momentum and speed and eventually soar.
I've saved a few of your"words of wisdom" that I read and reread over and over again when this journey I'm on becomes too long, too draining and too depressing.
Here's a few of my favorites...
Just stick with it. Tell yourself that the worst part will be over soon... if you could live with him all these years, you can manage to hold out until you are through with him. Tell yourself that you have to do this to be happy for the first time in a long time. Tell yourself that you have to do this for your kids. Tell yourself that you have to do this to keep your sanity...
This is from an e-card I received:
It's called a "leap of faith"
Because there is strength...
In daring to take the leap
and the faith happens...
just before you realize...
that you've begun to fly.
Believe in your strength
And your power...
I do
Believe in yourself
Because you all believe, I now believe too. Because you all have confidence in me, I now am confident too. Because you all have faith in me, I have faith that everything will turn out fine and I will be okay. I know it will happen because you are here with me every step of the way making sure that I don't falter, change direction and that I ultimately will reach my destination safe and sound.
While you don't want to go through a divorce by yourself, the key is to find the right "support team" to be there for you every step of the way. Speaking from experience, when life gets this out of whack, the best way to get through the crisis is to rely only on people who have your best interest at heart. If not, then in addition to what you were originally dealing with, you'll also have to contend with these other individuals' personal agendas, which oftentimes are not in sync with yours. Ultimately this only complicates matters and makes what you were initially coping with seem mild in comparison. Trust me, I've been there and done that. Learn from my mistakes and your life will be so much easier and happier. How will you know who to trust? It's actually quite simple. Everyone shows you their true colors when things are great in your life and likewise when things absolutely suck. This is when you discover quickly who your real friends are. Just to clarify, true pals are happy when things go well for you and are sad when things go bad. As hard as it is to believe, some have this concept completely screwed up. For whatever reason, they are upset when you're on top of the world and are joyous when you are suffering. Make no mistake about it, no matter what they might say or do to convince you otherwise, these are not your allies. They are your enemies. Many times they come disguised as friends and relatives. Sadly, it happens a lot. It also hurts a lot. I can't think of too many things that are more painful than being betrayed and back stabbed by so-called loved ones. Having them contaminate your life with their anger, jealousy and hatred when what you need is kindness, understanding and compassion is wrong, unnecessary and damaging. As hard as this might sound, what's not good... got to go.
Instead, focus in on who and what's right in your life. As best as possible, ignore the negative. Otherwise you waste all your energy being upset with those who are trying to make your life miserable and completely ignore all the wonderful souls who truly care and want to see you happy. It's a no win situation. Believe me, right now, there are a few "bad apples" who are doing everything in their power to make me feel even worse than I already do. Being completely riled up by their inexcusable behavior, I had to say to myself, "Are you going to let a few cads who have no brains, common sense or hearts get to you or are you going to concentrate and appreciate the multitude of life savers who have come forward to help and support you?" When I thought about it that way, the answer was easy. I'm very lucky in that I've been truly blessed with an amazing group of human angels. They always say and do the right things and magically appear just when I need them the most with a phone call, e-mail or invitation to get together. There's no other way to explain it except to believe they are heaven sent.
At this point I need to acknowledge all my friends and relatives who make sure I stay strong, focused and positive and give me the will to carry on... even though I would much rather quit playing the game, walk away from the table and cash in my chips. When the time is right, I'll thank each and every one of you in a special way. For now, know that you are the wind beneath my wings and because of all of your support, friendship, encouragement, advice, concern and love, I will find my direction, gain momentum and speed and eventually soar.
I've saved a few of your"words of wisdom" that I read and reread over and over again when this journey I'm on becomes too long, too draining and too depressing.
Here's a few of my favorites...
Just stick with it. Tell yourself that the worst part will be over soon... if you could live with him all these years, you can manage to hold out until you are through with him. Tell yourself that you have to do this to be happy for the first time in a long time. Tell yourself that you have to do this for your kids. Tell yourself that you have to do this to keep your sanity...
This is from an e-card I received:
It's called a "leap of faith"
Because there is strength...
In daring to take the leap
and the faith happens...
just before you realize...
that you've begun to fly.
Believe in your strength
And your power...
I do
Believe in yourself
Because you all believe, I now believe too. Because you all have confidence in me, I now am confident too. Because you all have faith in me, I have faith that everything will turn out fine and I will be okay. I know it will happen because you are here with me every step of the way making sure that I don't falter, change direction and that I ultimately will reach my destination safe and sound.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)