Our Marriage Ref

The plan was that the mediator would initially meet Dick and me on separate occasions. After spending time with each of us individually, getting to know us a little better and gaining an appreciation of what we'd like to have happen regarding custody and visitation, the three of us would come together and try to work out an arrangement that we could live with until Marni graduates from high school.

With trepidation, I approached my upcoming appointment with the mediator. Suddenly, our family's business won't be entirely under our personal control anymore. Deciding to divorce when the children are minors changes all that and puts new rules, regulations and restrictions on every aspect of life with the kids. Which parent(s) will the children live with? Who will have custody? Will it be sole? Will it be joint? What about the visitation schedule? Holidays? Birthdays? Graduations? Other milestone events? I just learned that when you are divorced, it's no longer possible to simply allow your kids to travel out-of-state overnight with you, a friend or other relatives without making sure the other parent approves of this arrangement. Things that just happened, can no longer be taken for granted. Going forward, everything will be spelled out, agreed upon and enforced. In some ways this is good. At least I'll have some control over what Marni does. In other ways, it will be the same or worse. Dick will figure out ways to manipulate situations, bully everyone to make life miserable for all concerned and make sure he gets exactly what he wants. That's a given and the reason why my lawyer advised me to go after sole custody.

The day I met privately with the mediator, I found out that Dick was there the day before. Somehow that didn't surprise me. She filled me in as much as she could about their visit. Mainly that he had expressed his views on why we should have joint custody: He is Marni's father and he should have an equal right in making decisions about her life. Under normal circumstances, I would definitely agree. However our situation isn't typical. The reality is that Dick doesn't want "joint custody." He wants sole custody under the guise of it being joint. Just as he always has, he wants to continue to do whatever he wants to and make sure things go his way. The mediator then shared what Dick had said about Marni. He raved about what a wonderful person she is. He described her as being a sweet, kind, loving, hard-working, studious, caring, thoughtful girl. I agreed 100% with that assessment. At least we were on the same page about something. That was a start.

Then it was my turn to say my piece. I expressed my apprehensions about why I feel that Dick and I shouldn't share joint custody of Marni. In a nutshell, it's because Dick is not willing to listen to anything I have to say, will disagree just to be difficult, doesn't feel he has to tell me anything and feels that he can do what he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants and no one will tell him otherwise. I also have a major concern about letting Marni be unsupervised with Dick overnight. A few years ago, Dick started walking around naked in front of the children. This was not something the children were exposed to (pun intended) their whole lives. In fact, until Marni entered puberty, Dick was very modest. Around the time that Marni's body started to change, so did Dick's demeanor. I'm not talking about letting his guard down (and everything else) sporadically or unintentionally. His actions were deliberate. He made sure the kids got full view of his family jewels. (In his case, it's all costume jewelry and not worth much!) He routinely went into Marni's room while she was laying in bed before she got up in the morning, stood by her pillow in his birthday suit and carried on small talk with her. He also developed the habit of barging in on her while she was bathing to get something out of the vanity or ask her a question. Obviously, he could have waited till she was done. Repeatedly, I told him to stop. Josh told him to put some clothes on because it was disgusting. On the other hand, Marni never said a word. She avoids confrontation at all costs. She never wants to hurt anyone or have them be angry with her. Therefore, Dick proceeded to expose himself and ignored Josh and me completely. I always prayed that he never crossed the line any further. On several occasions, I brought up the subject of inappropriate sexual behavior and requested that Marni come to me if she is asked or told to do something that is not right. She brushed these conversations off and told me that nothing has happened and it won't.

When I filed for divorce, I brought this issue up with my attorney. He spoke to Dick's attorney about this, who then told Dick he needed to dress appropriately around the kids immediately. Dick took his counsel's advice. However, a grown man, who is a medical professional should know better. He's only controlling himself now because he's being watched very closely and knows if he crosses the line, there will be a high price to pay. So what did the mediator say about all this? In a nutshell, she said that the judge won't feel this is any reason to keep Dick from having Marni stay with him overnight. However, I can request that when Marni is in Dick's charge that she have her own room with a lock on the door. Having gotten everything out in the open, the next step would be for the three of us to meet together. She asked me if I would feel safe discussing things in front of Dick. I told her that I would but I don't know what repercussions would happen when we leave her office. She also informed me that if she sees things aren't progressing in a positive way, she will stop the session and inform the judge of her findings. Finally, she felt that it was worth the effort to try and see how things would go.

About a week later, we all got together. On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither one of us walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can. Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But, I'm sure this was to be expected. After all, that is why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place. Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement. Up until our meeting, I didn't understand (and for sure, Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody is simply about decision making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there aren't any issues. We are both Jewish, follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs and Marni has already had her Bat Mitzvah. The next area of discussion: education. The fact that Marni is in high school and will finish out her studies at the same institution isn't an area of dispute either. Finally: medical concerns. Thankfully, as of right now, Marni doesn't have any serious health conditions. In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, this is the same pattern we will follow and in the event that one of us might feel the need, we can get a second opinion at our own expense. The last major area of concern was whether or not Marni should get a car while she is still a minor. Here too, we both feel there isn't a need for one. (and when we are divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!) So, in a nutshell we don't have any issues with the major issues. It's the minutia of daily life that causes all the grief.

As we shifted to the topic of our current living arrangement and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably will move out of state and start a new life with Juanita and if that will transpire, why are we even talking about a visitation schedule. She said that if Dick is moving, this discussion is a waste of time unless he is planning on coming in town to have dinner with Marni and spend every other weekend here as well. (who knows... maybe that is exactly what he is going to do) I brought up the fact that Dick now travels regularly and he doesn't feel he has to give me the courtesy of letting me know he will be gone. The mediator told him this has to change. Dick must give me notice of when and for how long he will be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed. We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Marni will be with each night. Also, it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who can't commit to a regular schedule) that for now, he will take care of Marni on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I will be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. For now, we will muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. At the end of the hour, even though we didn't work out all the details about every issue, at least we're building a framework of how things will play themselves out over the next few years. I think it's a step in the right direction.
To be continued...