Going Under Cover

Move over Nancy Drew. There's a new girl in town. You better watch out, Susie Cohen is making her debut as the undercover detective who stops at nothing to stay one step ahead of her two-timing, no good, deceptive, rotten louse of a soon-to-be-ex husband. (and that's putting it nicely) Honestly it's virtually impossible to stay one step ahead. How can I predict what Dick is going to do when he probably doesn't even know himself? Realistically I need to just stay vigilant so I'm not caught off guard and fall too many steps behind. How do I accomplish this? With very sophisticated espionage techniques I've picked up along the way.

As "James Bond-007" as that sounds, there's nothing advanced about what I do. It just sounds good and makes me feel better to say it. (Give me a break... I've had a rough few months here. I'm entitled to a little self-indulgence once in a while.) So what are my top-secret methods? I just rely on my gut instinct and follow whatever my inner voice tells me to do. It's worked great so far. Maybe one day the Discovery Channel will do a documentary about betrayed women like me and how we survive in our own versions of the wilderness we're trudging through, trying to exist day to day and fighting tooth and nail to make it out alive. Okay, enough of this melodramatic crap. Even I realize I'm going way overboard now.

In order to come out a "winner" in this divorce game, I need to uncover all the classified information that Dick is trying to hide from me. I have to stoop pretty low and dig down pretty deep. And I'm proud to admit that I do stoop very low these days. I need to know exactly what Dick is doing and is planning to do to protect myself and Marni. Or so I like to believe. This divorce has become a full time gig while simultaneously making me totally insane. I'm alert and on guard 24/7. Without a doubt, the longer this process drags on, the more I'm becoming an obsessed, neurotic, paranoid lunatic. (and that's on a good day!) If that's what it takes, so be it. I'm ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to put Dick in his place. Look out world. The new and improved, tough little cookie Susie Cohen is ready for action.

From here on out, it's a fight to the finish. May the best woman (that would be me) win!!!"

Revenge Is Sweet

I was so incredibly proud of myself for what I just pulled off. When I stopped to think about it, this was an amazing coup. Not only did I get to confront "the other woman," but I did it in such a way that she had to have gone back and told Dick what happened. When she did, there was absolutely nothing he could say to me. (I would have loved to have heard the conversation that took place between the two of them after my call.) Following that, if he would have confronted me and told me that I should stay out of his business, my response would have been, "I don't know what you are talking about. You told me that you didn't recognize the name on the caller I.D. and it was a wrong number. Anything he could have possibly responded would have screwed him even further.

The beauty of the whole situation was that Juanita knew I knew all about her; Dick knew I knew all about them; they both had to deal with the fallout from my phone call; and I came out smelling like a rose. For the first time since this whole fiasco started, I was enjoying myself. My mom always told me, "When life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade." I'll drink to that. Here's to the first of many!