Valentine's Day

Having just survived New Year's Eve, I knew that Valentine's Day was also going to be a rough day to deal with. Just like the initial year after the loss of a loved one, going through the divorce process also brings with it the traumatic reality of "first times without..." For weeks, I've been preparing myself to deal with the deluge of memories and unmet dreams that I expected would come flooding back to depress me on this day set aside to commemorate love.

To force myself from organizing, hosting and welcoming myself as the guest of honor to the world's largest "pity party for one" featuring a mouth-watering spread of spectacular, never-ending amounts of chocolate delicacies, guaranteed to temporarily obliterate all pain, I knew I needed to find a positive, special and heartwarming way to still find joy in a holiday that I always looked forward to celebrating (without making myself sick to my stomach and putting myself into a self-induced diabetic coma in the process). So I put Plan B into effect.

Marni needed to do some community service work for a high school project. Of course, she informed me this two days before Christmas and wanted to participate during the holiday break. After making several phone calls to all the local food pantries, churches, synagogues and shelters in our area, I was surprised to discover that no one needed help during this season of giving and good cheer. However, I did find an organization that provides meals to the homeless and the needy in a low-income area of Chicago who could use some volunteers on Valentine's Day. Actually, this was something I've wanted to do for years, so I signed Marni and me up. At the time, I didn't realize how perfect it would be for us to serve on this particular day.

As I am not a lover of operating a motor vehicle in wintry, snowy conditions, I was grateful that as we drove to the Uptown neighborhood on Valentine's Day, the sun was shining, the temps were mild and the ground was dry. So far, so good. However, recently, the city of Chicago put in new parking meters all over town. Being a suburbanite who is used to pulling into free parking spaces where ever I go, I wasn't familiar with the new system. Fortunately I found a parking spot just up the street from the building we would be going to. This made me extremely happy, as this wasn't the safest of neighborhoods and I wanted us both to live through this experience. After checking the area for suspicious characters, I got out of my car and starting putting quarter after quarter in what should have been my meter. It kept flashing and blinking, but didn't register the amount I deposited. One of the area's residents came up to me and informed me that I wasn't supposed to put money in the meter. He then pointed out a large "pay station" across the street that covered all the spaces for the entire area. As I was thanking him profusely, I was simultaneously becoming totally pissed off because the city was misleading unsuspecting people with these meters and making additional revenue from this venture. These curbside "piggy banks" had no information posted on them alerting drivers not to use them for their cars. Trying to keep things in perspective and stay focused on why we were in the city, I regained my composure. Marni and I walked over to the neighborhood collection box to figure out how to pay for my right to park on the street. After successfully receiving a confirmation ticket, we then ventured back to my car to affix the paper inside my front windshield so I could legally occupy my parking spot for the time we would be doing our good deed for the day.

Thankfully, we made our way over to the building without getting assaulted, raped, robbed or murdered. After checking in with security and locking up our personal belongings, we were taken to the room where we would be serving. Set up like a restaurant, this facility was designed to make the guests feel special and appreciated. I have to say that I was very impressed with the layout and the system. Because it was Sunday morning, we would be serving brunch. The menu options included omelets, potatoes, pancakes with strawberry topping, veggie sausages, bagels and cream cheese, and assorted hot and cold beverages. After being quickly briefed on our morning's responsibilities, we were handed our serving aprons, an order pad and a pen and immediately got busy putting out place mats, napkins, plastic ware and condiments on the tables. Since it was Valentine's Day, two of the regulars, a father and his grown daughter who have been volunteering together on Sunday mornings for years, brought Hershey kisses and put them in small plastic bowls for the guests to enjoy. I was touched by their generosity of spirit and admired the commitment the two of them made to each other and to those in need. When we finished our pre-meal chores, we claimed and stood by the table that would be ours to service. We were told that after we brought out the food we should sit and talk with our guests. As important as it was for them to eat, they also hungered for the nourishment of conversation and good will.

At 11:00 am, the visitors started arriving and picking the spots they wanted to dine at. Three individuals took seats at my table. I glanced over to where Marni was. She was serving four middle-aged African American women who quickly engaged her in conversation. Before I knew it, there was laughter coming from their direction. It appeared that Marni was not only comfortable, she seemed to be enjoying herself immensely. I was happy and pleasantly surprised to see this. After I served my guests, I pulled up a chair and joined them for a bite to eat. Among my diners were two African American men who were as different as night and day and a middle aged, mentally challenged white woman. In their own unique ways, they were quite entertaining and engaging conversationalists. One of the males was a very pleasant, soft-spoken factory worker in his late 50's. The other was a former bank security guard who was fired from his job and spends his evenings in prison for selling drugs. This was more information than I needed to know and coyly steered the conversation to Valentine's Day and asked what they would be doing later to celebrate this sentimental occasion. The employed gentleman told me he was looking forward to watching the basketball game on t.v. He shared that currently he is single but he is looking for the right woman and when he finds her, he will treat her with respect and support her both emotionally and financially. My drug dealer table mate said that he is going home to sleep because that is all he cares to do. He's also looking for a woman but one who would cater to his every demand. I teased him by asking where his mom is, because it sounds like that is who he really is looking for. The four of us cracked up at that comment. The laughter created an immediate bond between us. From that moment on, the conversation flowed effortlessly and naturally. Feeling completely comfortable with them, I then divulged that I am going through a divorce, but being with them brightened up my day and made it very special. They made me smile and giggle. During the time we spent socializing, I was very happy and lighthearted. I knew that if I stayed home, I would have been wallowing in well-deserved, self-pity. As we chatted, the time flew by very quickly. Before I knew it, our guests were packing up to leave and it was time for us to clean and put everything away.

On the drive home, Marni and I discussed our experiences and realized that even though on the surface these people were obviously quite different from us, we shared a lot of similarities. We all wanted to feel loved, appreciated and accepted. It didn't matter where we lived, how old we were, the color of our skin, the religion we practiced or didn't, our backgrounds and circumstances in life, we found many things to converse about. Marni and I also understood that it was merely fate or luck that allowed us to live a comfortable existence (at least up to this point) and how quickly life could change. We discussed the diversity of the clientele that came in for a free meal today. Some were the stereotype of what we would expect. Others caught us completely off-guard. They looked like they could be our neighbors and friends. It was sobering to accept that many of these people were not only highly educated, they were earning respectable incomes until they lost their jobs due to the recession. Serving a simple meal that morning taught us that by stepping out of our neighborhood and individual comfort zones, we were able to gain a whole new perspective and appreciation for not only our own lives but for those who we most likely would never stop to talk to or get to know under any other circumstances.

This Valentine's Day will always be special to Marni and me. Instead of exchanging the usual sentimental cards, flowers and candy, we gave our time, energy and love to those who so desperately needed it. In return, we received warmth, affection, attention and gratitude. I can't think of a better way to celebrate this holiday. Not even Hallmark can top this!

Our Marriage Ref

The plan was that the mediator would initially meet Dick and me on separate occasions. After spending time with each of us individually, getting to know us a little better and gaining an appreciation of what we'd like to have happen regarding custody and visitation, the three of us would come together and try to work out an arrangement that we could live with until Marni graduates from high school.

With trepidation, I approached my upcoming appointment with the mediator. Suddenly, our family's business won't be entirely under our personal control anymore. Deciding to divorce when the children are minors changes all that and puts new rules, regulations and restrictions on every aspect of life with the kids. Which parent(s) will the children live with? Who will have custody? Will it be sole? Will it be joint? What about the visitation schedule? Holidays? Birthdays? Graduations? Other milestone events? I just learned that when you are divorced, it's no longer possible to simply allow your kids to travel out-of-state overnight with you, a friend or other relatives without making sure the other parent approves of this arrangement. Things that just happened, can no longer be taken for granted. Going forward, everything will be spelled out, agreed upon and enforced. In some ways this is good. At least I'll have some control over what Marni does. In other ways, it will be the same or worse. Dick will figure out ways to manipulate situations, bully everyone to make life miserable for all concerned and make sure he gets exactly what he wants. That's a given and the reason why my lawyer advised me to go after sole custody.

The day I met privately with the mediator, I found out that Dick was there the day before. Somehow that didn't surprise me. She filled me in as much as she could about their visit. Mainly that he had expressed his views on why we should have joint custody: He is Marni's father and he should have an equal right in making decisions about her life. Under normal circumstances, I would definitely agree. However our situation isn't typical. The reality is that Dick doesn't want "joint custody." He wants sole custody under the guise of it being joint. Just as he always has, he wants to continue to do whatever he wants to and make sure things go his way. The mediator then shared what Dick had said about Marni. He raved about what a wonderful person she is. He described her as being a sweet, kind, loving, hard-working, studious, caring, thoughtful girl. I agreed 100% with that assessment. At least we were on the same page about something. That was a start.

Then it was my turn to say my piece. I expressed my apprehensions about why I feel that Dick and I shouldn't share joint custody of Marni. In a nutshell, it's because Dick is not willing to listen to anything I have to say, will disagree just to be difficult, doesn't feel he has to tell me anything and feels that he can do what he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants and no one will tell him otherwise. I also have a major concern about letting Marni be unsupervised with Dick overnight. A few years ago, Dick started walking around naked in front of the children. This was not something the children were exposed to (pun intended) their whole lives. In fact, until Marni entered puberty, Dick was very modest. Around the time that Marni's body started to change, so did Dick's demeanor. I'm not talking about letting his guard down (and everything else) sporadically or unintentionally. His actions were deliberate. He made sure the kids got full view of his family jewels. (In his case, it's all costume jewelry and not worth much!) He routinely went into Marni's room while she was laying in bed before she got up in the morning, stood by her pillow in his birthday suit and carried on small talk with her. He also developed the habit of barging in on her while she was bathing to get something out of the vanity or ask her a question. Obviously, he could have waited till she was done. Repeatedly, I told him to stop. Josh told him to put some clothes on because it was disgusting. On the other hand, Marni never said a word. She avoids confrontation at all costs. She never wants to hurt anyone or have them be angry with her. Therefore, Dick proceeded to expose himself and ignored Josh and me completely. I always prayed that he never crossed the line any further. On several occasions, I brought up the subject of inappropriate sexual behavior and requested that Marni come to me if she is asked or told to do something that is not right. She brushed these conversations off and told me that nothing has happened and it won't.

When I filed for divorce, I brought this issue up with my attorney. He spoke to Dick's attorney about this, who then told Dick he needed to dress appropriately around the kids immediately. Dick took his counsel's advice. However, a grown man, who is a medical professional should know better. He's only controlling himself now because he's being watched very closely and knows if he crosses the line, there will be a high price to pay. So what did the mediator say about all this? In a nutshell, she said that the judge won't feel this is any reason to keep Dick from having Marni stay with him overnight. However, I can request that when Marni is in Dick's charge that she have her own room with a lock on the door. Having gotten everything out in the open, the next step would be for the three of us to meet together. She asked me if I would feel safe discussing things in front of Dick. I told her that I would but I don't know what repercussions would happen when we leave her office. She also informed me that if she sees things aren't progressing in a positive way, she will stop the session and inform the judge of her findings. Finally, she felt that it was worth the effort to try and see how things would go.

About a week later, we all got together. On the positive side, there was no yelling, kicking or screaming and neither one of us walked out of the session. We talked as civilly as two people who hate each others guts and must continue to live together under the same roof can. Trust me, the underlying current in the room was charged with high-voltage mercurial energy. But, I'm sure this was to be expected. After all, that is why the judge wanted us to see the mediator in the first place. Surprisingly, on the big issues Dick and I were in complete agreement. Up until our meeting, I didn't understand (and for sure, Dick had no clue) what the parameters of custody were. It was explained to us that custody is simply about decision making regarding religion, education and health. Regarding religion, there aren't any issues. We are both Jewish, follow the same customs, traditions and beliefs and Marni has already had her Bat Mitzvah. The next area of discussion: education. The fact that Marni is in high school and will finish out her studies at the same institution isn't an area of dispute either. Finally: medical concerns. Thankfully, as of right now, Marni doesn't have any serious health conditions. In the past, when a medical or dental situation arose, we deferred to the advice of the pediatrician or dentist and followed their recommendations. We agreed that going forward, this is the same pattern we will follow and in the event that one of us might feel the need, we can get a second opinion at our own expense. The last major area of concern was whether or not Marni should get a car while she is still a minor. Here too, we both feel there isn't a need for one. (and when we are divorced, if Dick decides he wants to buy her one, it would be fine with me!) So, in a nutshell we don't have any issues with the major issues. It's the minutia of daily life that causes all the grief.

As we shifted to the topic of our current living arrangement and visitation in the future, things became much more heated. I brought up what I discussed privately with the mediator. Dick brushed everything off. I also voiced my concern about the possibility that Dick probably will move out of state and start a new life with Juanita and if that will transpire, why are we even talking about a visitation schedule. She said that if Dick is moving, this discussion is a waste of time unless he is planning on coming in town to have dinner with Marni and spend every other weekend here as well. (who knows... maybe that is exactly what he is going to do) I brought up the fact that Dick now travels regularly and he doesn't feel he has to give me the courtesy of letting me know he will be gone. The mediator told him this has to change. Dick must give me notice of when and for how long he will be away from the house. After much dispute, he finally agreed. We then approached the arrangements for Passover and who Marni will be with each night. Also, it was decided (after Dick went on and on about being a busy doctor who can't commit to a regular schedule) that for now, he will take care of Marni on Monday and Tuesday evenings and I will be with her on Wednesday and Thursday nights. For now, we will muddle our way through the weekends and try to accommodate each other as best as possible. At the end of the hour, even though we didn't work out all the details about every issue, at least we're building a framework of how things will play themselves out over the next few years. I think it's a step in the right direction.
To be continued...