Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Parent University

In the county where Dick and I live, all divorcing couples with minor children are required to go to "Parenting School." A judge will not grant a divorce until both parties attend and produce their graduation certificates to the court. Fortunately, soon-to-be-exes don't have to appear together. Thank goodness for this. Otherwise, it's almost a given that instead of the instruction taking place in a relaxed atmosphere where an open, honest exchange of information would be welcomed and encouraged, the educational facility would instead take on the look and feel of the Jerry Springer Show during it's most violent episodes. Actually, come to think of it, I just came up with the premise for a really interesting new reality show: Following families in transition around on a day to day basis as they adjust to their new roles and dynamics as the family unit changes. The compensation could be to have all fees relating to the divorce as well as counseling for everyone involved paid for. Speaking of money, like everything else associated with ending a marriage, there is a price to pay for getting a degree in co-parenting in separate households. Fortunately, the amount, compared to all the other expenses is minimal. Now, if only attorneys could slash their fees, this would be a better world.

Since Dick and I communicate with each other as little as possible, going to school together was out of the question. As you can imagine, Dick wasted no time in taking care of his responsibility immediately and without complaining. He didn't raise a squabble at all about having to attend this program. He was happy to comply with the court-ordered mandate because anything that will advance this divorce along faster, he and Juanita are all for. My hunch is that she is the one calling the shots and pushing Dick to move onward and upward (or should I say...outward) as quickly as possible. And as you probably guessed by now, I had to wait until there was enough money in the checkbook before I could register. So, what else is new? When I was finally shown the money, it was past the date the judge had ordered us to enroll by. I notified my attorney of the situation. There wasn't anything else I could do under the circumstances. If Dick thought he was hurting me and making me "in contempt of a court order" by not having the funds available, he was grossly mistaken. He was only delaying the process. Since Juanita wants Dick so badly, she should have paid my tuition for me. I think it's the least she could have done since she has a vested interest in having this marriage end as quickly as possible.

Co-parenting school is a four hour course. My class was held at a local community college on a Saturday from 8:00 a.m. till noon. In a way I was excited to take part in this program because I loved the academic atmosphere and missed the ambiance of campus life. However, once I got there I realized that this was not the co-ed experience I recalled. Instead of the fun and parties associated with post-secondary education life, my contemporaries and I were learning how to "behave" appropriately in front of our kids. At this point I want to interject how full the lecture room was. There was not a single seat available. I guess despite the poor economy, couples are still splitting up in record numbers. Getting back to the course syllabus, our group was shown a series of short videos depicting possible situations that might occur as life moves on for both parties as well as the offspring involved. Following each episode, we had a discussion about how to successfully handle the various dilemmas. Our instructor was a divorce attorney who also does mediation work. Just to clarify, she has first-hand experience in this field: she is also a divorced parent of minor children. Not only did she talk the talk...she walked the walk!

Actually the re-enactments were quite interesting and thought-provoking. First we were shown a clip depicting "the drop off" or what transpired when the dad returned the kids back to their mom's house after a weekend visit. The father was in a hurry to leave, making it clear that his time was up. The mom entered the room and started immediately badgering her ex about the support check being late and how she wasn't able to pay the bills. Immediately, a heated argument took place. I quickly put myself in her shoes knowing that in the near future, Dick will be pulling the same shtick on me. Another skit involved the father who was a no-show for his child and how disappointed and let down the little one was by being neglected. Will this happen in our family? It's possible that when Dick gets settled into his new life, Marni won't matter as much to him and he might blow her off if something more entertaining comes up for him. Fortunately, we only have a few years left to deal with this! The scenario which riled our group up the most involved a father who had moved on with his life and now had a new girlfriend. They both have children and the entire group were spending the weekend together. The parents were living it up drinking, smoking and having sex in the bedroom with the door closed while the kids were left to fend for themselves in another room. The older ones were forced to babysit for the younger ones which didn't go over very well because the collective offspring clearly were resentful and didn't like each other or their new responsibilities. As evening turned into morning, the youngsters were seen at the kitchen table trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. All that was available was cold, leftover pizza from the night before. The father entered the room, angry and clueless why there was so much discord among everyone. My thoughts turned to Dick, Maritza, her two children and Marni. I shuddered to imagine what our version of the "Brady Bunch" family will be like. Again, I kept thinking that at least the amount of time we'll actually have to deal with these issues is finite.

As our time together came to a close, we were each handed our certificates of attendance, instructed where to drop them off at the courthouse and wished good luck going forward. It was almost like a graduation ceremony.

Slowly but surely things are starting to move forward. One step closer to D-Day!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A License To Move???

For quite some time, I've had my suspicions that Dick is planning to move out west. However, aside from my gut instinct, I really didn't have anything concrete to go on. Until now. The sign that I was praying for finally appeared. It was plain as day. Unmistakable. I'd even go so far as to say it was heaven sent. I get goosebumps just thinking about how this message arrived. Actually, it came right to my mailbox. Imagine that! Now that's what I'd call "special delivery." What else would an over-sized envelope addressed to Dick with the return address from the state medical licensing board where Juanita lives be?

Heart pounding wildly and thunderously, I wrote down the info from this governing body and quickly ran up to my computer to do a google search. "What should I do with this information?" was the question that began racing through my mind. It's clear that I needed to know if Dick is planning on picking up and moving out of state. He's one tricky guy and he has promised me repeatedly that he will leave me with nothing. It would be his style to quit his job, pack up and leave no forwarding information to avoid paying maintenance and child support. After all, his hair-brained schemes have worked up till now. Why should his luck change? He's definitely on a roll--- finding a wealthy physician who has fallen in love with him (or at least with the lifestyle she thinks he's going to provide for her) who lives in the city that Dick could see himself adjusting to very comfortably and finally realizing his dream of having a hard working woman who does well financially support him in the manner he's always dreamed of (or so he thinks). All his ducks were lining up very nicely. It's hunting season and he's going in for the kill.

With the belief, attitude and new-found guts that I have to do whatever I can to protect Marni and me, I decided to call this agency to find out if Dick is authorized to practice in that state. While the phone rang, I reminisced back to the call I made to Juanita. I wondered what the outcome of this conversation would reveal. Finally, I was connected to the department that handles his specialty. The woman introduces herself and I proceeded to ask if Dick has a license to practice there. Flustered she told me, "No." I then continued and questioned if one will be issued in the near future. Becoming belligerent, she queried who I was and why I was requesting this information. I told her the truth. At that point she became irate and told me in no uncertain terms to keep my divorce out of her office and never call back there again. I thanked her for her time and hung up.

After I put the phone down, I became outraged. How dare she speak to me like that. She was totally out of line. All she had to say was, "I'm sorry, but I can not give out this information."End of story...end of conversation. She didn't have to be rude or threatening. I didn't commit a crime by calling a government office for information. Nor did I try to cover up my intentions by claiming I was Dick's secretary, assistant, etc. calling on his behalf. I contemplated calling her supervisor and complaining about how she handled the matter but I decided to drop it, forget it and move on.

Obviously she didn't share my sentiment. That night Dick told me he needed to talk to me. I was in Josh's room with the door locked and had no intentions of getting into anything with him at that point. Then he told me he needed the checkbook. I opened the door to hand it to him. Immediately he started in on me. He asked my if I know what I'm doing. I responded that yes I do. He proceeded to tell me that he knows what I'm up to and I'm not going to get away with it. I began to think, "Was this woman stupid enough to call Dick and tell him about our conversation? Doesn't she have other things to do all day or other doctors needing her attention?" Apparently not. He continued his rampage with, "What you did today is now in the courts. One more phone call and you will be prosecuted." Of course, Marni was in her bedroom at the time, taking all this in. Like a broken record, whatever Dick asked, said or threatened me with, I answered expressionless and emotionless, "I'm not going to discuss this with you." While I sounded and acted like I was in complete control, inwardly I was a mass of quivering jello. He was standing in the doorway and wouldn't budge. I asked him repeatedly to move out of the way so I can close the door. Several times during our altercation, I became fearful that his anger would escalate, he would take things up a notch and become physically abusive. Fortunately after what seemed like an eternity, he realized that he wasn't able to make me go berserk this time. His efforts were fruitless. Finally he backed away and left the room. While his angry tirades scare the living daylights out of me, I do realize that what he was threatening me with was a bunch of bull. I knew without a doubt Dick was bluffing big time. Did he honestly think I'd believe that his attorney would drop whatever he was doing and run down to the courthouse to file a complaint against me because I asked a simple question of a government employee? Nevertheless, watching Dick go bonkers like this is petrifying. Looking into his sardonic gaze, I honestly believe he is the devil.

Totally exhausted but overstimulated from all the adrenaline deluging my system, I was unable to calm down and go to sleep. Another rough night in the Cohen house. I don't know how many more of these I can take before they start taking their toll on me. I wish I could pack my bags, get away from this hell-hole, unwind and enjoy myself for a few days. (Unfortunately, at this point nothing short of a month detoxing at a spa will do much good)

Literally, it would be a blessing if Dick is out of state, out of mind and out of my daily life. As long as he pays what he is supposed to, when he is required to, I'll be a happy camper. Who am I kidding!!! That is the last thing he intends to do. Trying to keep my fears, worries and concerns about how things will play out down the road from spiraling completely out of control, I repeatedly tell myself that everything happens for a reason; things will work out exactly the way they are meant to; and better days are coming. If I say this to myself long enough, maybe one day I'll start to believe it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Nun Sense

Every night after the 10:00 evening news, I watch Oprah. This is my way of unwinding after a long, stressful day. I started this ritual when Josh was an infant. Back then, the only peace, quiet and time alone I had was when he finally fell asleep. Also, this was my sole source of adult, intelligent, stimulating conversation and entertainment. Every weekday, I really looked forward to this respite. Fast forward to the present ... life hasn't changed. I still crave my regular fix of late-night T.V. Please Oprah... I beg you....don't go off the air!!! I need you now, more than ever.

Yesterday's show featured the first non-Japanese Geisha and a group of cloistered nuns living in a convent outside of Detroit. Their stories were shared by Lisa Ling, who had the opportunity to experience both lifestyles firsthand. She traveled to the Orient, spent time with the Geisha, and had a taste of this time-honored, exotic way of life. Following that whirlwind adventure, Lisa then spent the night at the convent with the nuns. Imagining myself in her position, I could definitely picture myself traveling around Japan in a rickshaw, experiencing the culture, customs and traditions, being served tea (I love tea!!) and totally immersing myself in that way of life. Spending time in a convent, on the other hand, isn't for me. As a Jewish woman, I don't think I'd fit in or be accepted. Actually I never understood why any woman would voluntarily become a nun. However, if given the opportunity, I would love to sit down and discuss this topic with any sister who would be interested in talking to me about this, openly and honestly.

Getting back to the show, the nuns talked about all they gave up to join the convent: sex, their careers, the possibility of having and raising children, and their material possessions. Their meals are all eaten in silence. In addition, speaking isn't allowed at other set times during the day. They willingly dedicate and devote their lives to Jesus Christ, as his collective wives. Watching and listening to their responses, I have to say, they all seemed really happy, almost giddy actually. They made it sound like life in the convent was a lot of fun. In fact, one of the video clips of cloistered life showed the nuns playing floor hockey, scrabble and cards. In a way it looked like a sorority house. One of the sisters interviewed said that she never goes anywhere in the convent without her BlackBerry. Imagine that! I don't even own a BlackBerry. Another sister declared that by becoming a nun, it freed her to be who she was truly meant to be. Hmmm...

The more I tuned in, the more enlightened I became. I started to think that maybe these sisters were on to something. As I contemplated their lifestyle and all the things they gave up when they took their vows, I realized that aside from having children, (which I'm totally grateful for and wouldn't trade for anything in the world) I somehow, without my consent or knowledge, wound up making similar vows when I married Dick...chastity, poverty, giving up my career to worship and devote my life to my marriage to "God. " (*Actually, in my mother-in-law's eyes, I really did marry God. I'm sure she can't understand why I don't feel blessed, appreciative and honored to serve her son in every possible way.) For many years, I've eaten my meals without any conversation. I was silenced several times during the day as well. Our lives were actually pretty similar in many ways. However, whereas the nuns were jubilant, I was miserable. Then another thought crossed my mind. These woman don't ever have to worry about where they are going to live and how they are going to pay their bills. Nor will they have to concern themselves with obtaining their own health insurance. There's no question that divorce will never be an issue. Their husband will never compare them with other women or leave them for another. Arguing with their spouse is out of the question. Their clothes will never go out of style. No wonder all these women looked so joyful. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that these sisters really had their act together. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge.

The Battle Intensifies... Backup Is Called For Active Duty

With the kids back in school, I was looking forward to things settling down for awhile so I can catch my breath and recharge my batteries. Who was I kidding! What do they say about there is no rest for the weary...or maybe I just made that up because I am so wiped out and I can't enjoy any downtime or think straight anymore. The longer this divorce process drags on, the greater the toll it is taking on me. It sure would be nice if I could get away for mini-vacations every few weeks just like Dick and Juanita are doing. Why does he always have all the fun and get away with everything in the process? I guess some things in life I'll never find the answer to. At this point, I'm hoping that at the end of this journey, I'll find my rainbow with its pot of gold waiting for me. I told you that I'm not thinking clearly anymore.

No sooner did I take a slight breather from all the shenanigans that transpired in our home over winter break, when I was hit with another bombshell. Not long after I filed for divorce, my attorney told me that I should go after sole custody of Marni because Dick is such a control freak, he doesn't talk to me, show me any respect or feel that he has to discuss anything with me. My lawyer felt that it would be impossible for Dick and me to make any joint decisions about Marni, even though we are only talking about a little more than two years that this arrangement would last. Of course, as can be expected, Dick wants joint custody. Both lawyers had a status meeting with the judge after the first of the year, and the court ruled that Dick and I should see a mediator to see if we can come to some workable agreement. When Dick heard this, he hit the roof.

Immediately, without my knowledge he had a private discussion with Marni about the court order. A few nights later, he called Marni and me into the kitchen and told me there was something he needed to tell me. Marni said she wanted to leave the room and Dick adamantly refused. He made her stay put and listen to what he was going to say. He then proceeded to tell me that over the weekend he told Marni about "my plan" for sole custody. They both agreed that they want joint custody. Dick continued by saying that if Marni is asked what she wants, that is what she will say. Therefore, there is no way I will ever get sole custody. He proceeded on that he is her father, he will make decisions about her future and will see his daughter whenever he wants. I will not keep him from doing that. On a roll at this point, he stated that the judge was appalled by what I am trying to do, especially since there is only a little over two years that we are talking about.

Building up steam, he blamed me for dragging on this divorce. Furthermore, he accused me of bringing in an additional attorney, ranting that instead of two attorneys we now have three. *For the record, we have two attorneys and one mediator. Yelling at the top of his lungs, he roared, "I promise you will not get sole custody. Just wait until you see what HAPPENS to you and what you will be left with when this divorce is over."

I was livid. I told Dick that he had absolutely no business discussing any of this with Marni. She is not part of the decision-making process and didn't need to hear, concern herself or worry about this matter. I then told Marni that custody only has to do with making decisions and I would never do anything to keep her and her father from seeing each other. The tension level rose as did our voices and tempers. Marni started crying and shaking. threatening to leave the house. At this point, Dick turned to her and said, "This is all your mother's fault. This is the kind of mother you have. Do you see what she is doing to you?

Marni ran into her room, shut the door and proceeded to sob loudly and uncontrollably. Needing to get away from Dick and his hateful, hurtful tirade, I mindlessly made my way into the family room and turned on the television for a little diversion. (Not that I had any clue what was on.) Dick followed me and made it clear he was not through with me yet. There was much more that he had to "talk" to me about. He went on to explain that he has a copy of the court order and he has read it over very carefully several times. He informed me that it clearly states that both parties have to split the cost of the mediator. He even called his attorney and verified that we each have to pay for our share. He further claimed that his attorney told him he should take my share out of the money that he is supposed to give me for my expenses, giving me half the amount he is supposed to. I listened to him and simply responded that I will be calling my attorney in the morning. Feeling that he got everything out of his system, he finally shut up and left the room.

Completely shaking, I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to relax by watching Oprah. I don't have a clue what her show was about, nor did I sleep at all that night. The next morning, I apologized to Marni for losing my temper. She told me it was okay. I told her she was being kind,. It definitely was not alright. I was very upset that her father dragged her into a matter that was not her concern and manipulated her into taking sides against me. No parent should ever put his/her child into that position. Before leaving for school, Marni told me that Dick had called Josh at school over the weekend and told him about my plans too. She wanted me to call Josh and explain the situation to him too. As she walked out the door, she added, "Don't tell Dad I told you about this." I promised her that I definitely wouldn't.

That afternoon I called Josh and did more damage control. When I said that I heard his father discussed the custody issue with him, his first response was, "I don't care." I told him that he shouldn't care because this matter doesn't concern him, nor should he have been told about the circumstances. I explained that custody has to do with making decisions and neither his father nor I know exactly this entails so there was absolutely no reason to involve him and Marni in something that is not their business. I further reassured him that it is not my intent to keep either one of my children away from their father, even though Josh is an adult at this time and he can make his own decisions about who he sees and when. He was relieved by the end of our chat. I was totally drained.

What a day. To think all of this could have been avoided if Dick would only grow up and act his age instead of behaving like a spoiled rotten child. Is it any wonder why my attorney feels I should have sole custody???

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The War Wages On

Since Josh came back for his extended winter break in mid-December and Marni was off of school, for the holidays, "The War Of The Cohens" saw an increase in casualties as a result of the relentless and dangerous fighting on the home front. Dick, in his self-appointed role as commander in chief, was ruthless in his attacks. Of course, the targeted enemy in this battle was me and his first recruit for this mission was our son, Josh.

As Josh's first semester of his last year of college drew to a close and he was gearing up for three weeks of R & R, there was a change in his tone of voice and demeanor whenever I spoke with him on the phone. I knew he had mixed feelings about what would await him upon his arrival back at the homestead. While Marni deals with the day in and day out drama that plays out here, Josh is far removed from the situation, both physically and emotionally. During one of our conversations, he had expressed to me that as the day quickly approached when he would once again walk through our front door and into the line of fire, he was filled with apprehension, fear and anxiety over what would transpire during his visit. His premonitions did not disappoint.

Dick wasted no time monopolizing all of Josh's free moments, energy and loyalty as he quickly and secretly filled up his social calendar personally, monetarily and emotionally. Starting with securing prime seats at a Bulls game for the two of them and whisking Josh away almost as soon as he pulled up in the driveway that very first evening home, to paying for his trip to Vegas with his frat buddies at the end of break, Dick did everything in his power to make sure every micro-second of Josh's life during his visit home revolved around him. Of course, these perks weren't offered out of the goodness of Dick's heart and his intense and burning love for his only son. No way. In fact there was a very high price to pay for all this attention, affection and indulgence. So to speak, Josh had to sell his soul to the devil. In return for all that was bestowed upon him, he became Dick's little puppet, being manipulated and coerced into treating me exactly the way his father did. Josh was a good student, learned well and was rewarded handsomely for his accomplishments. Every day when I would ask Josh if he was going anywhere, he would tell me he didn't know. As soon as Dick would walk in the door, the two would take off. Daily, they would go for lunch, out for dinner, to movies, shopping, etc. It was getting harder and harder to communicate with Josh and I began to wonder if he really was so brainwashed that he couldn't see the situation for what it was. Worse than that, I feared that when my son would get married and raise a family, he would become the spitting image of his father. I cringed at the thought of how miserable his life would turn out to be if he didn't wake up, develop some backbone, think for himself and stand up to his papa. Realistically, I knew it was too much to ask for now. Josh is in many ways still a child. He wants what he wants and will do whatever it takes to keep the good times rolling for himself. The kid is not stupid. He's figured out early on that in order to maintain his fathers' love, interest and financial support, he has to jump high, often and on a moment's notice. Among all his other natural talents, Josh has also proven to be quite the athlete!

All hell broke loose the Saturday prior to New Year's. That morning, I asked Josh if he was going anywhere for dinner. ( I wanted to spend some time with my son while he was in town.) As usual, his answer was an abrupt, brash, "I don't know." Later in the afternoon, I meandered into Josh's room and again posed the same question, to which I received the same response. As soon as I stepped out of the door, Dick walked in and told him that he made dinner reservations for 7:00. That was all I had to hear. My blood began to boil. As Dick passed me in the hallway, he maniacally glared at me with a smirk on his mouth that reeked of "Ha-Ha, What are you going to do about it. I win, you lose," I eyed Dick back with a poker-faced expression, walked back in, closed the door behind me and in a very controlled, soft-spoken, non-threatening manner asked Josh why he just lied to me. Just like his father, he looked at me stone faced and replied in a condescending tone that he didn't know what I was talking about. It was simultaneously sickening and disgusting to look at the expression on his face and hear the words that were coming out of his mouth. Had he not been my son whom I carried for almost nine months (he was born three weeks early), sick as a dog for most of the duration of the pregnancy, labored for nearly two days to deliver him, nursed, nurtured, loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul and would have given my life for, I could have murdered him on the spot. How dare he treat me this way! I told him how disappointed I was in how he was behaving and how he was choosing to speak to me. I reminded him that I am his mother and I deserve to be treated with respect. (At that moment the Saturday night Live skit in which the mom repeatedly kept telling her son ,"I AM YOUR MOTHER," popped into my head.) I fervently continued, "When I ask a question, I expect an honest answer from you, not some made up B.S. that you mistakenly think I would accept." With that I left the room and went downstairs. He followed me to my next location and had the audacity to continue his diatribe with, " I thought you were asking me what I was doing LATER tonight after dinner. I might get together with some friends, but I'm not sure what the plans are yet. You never specifically asked about where I will be eating." I told him to stop talking to me like I'm a moron because this treatment is totally unacceptable. Amazingly, he has no problem opening up his mouth to me, but with Dick he becomes a wimp. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, that he feels totally comfortable expressing himself to me without worrying that I will withhold my love from him regardless of what he says. For now, I'll hold on to this notion.

About a week after Josh arrived home for break, he asked me if I would drive him to the airport the Monday after New Year's Day because he would be going to Las Vegas to meet up with a few of his frat buddies. (This trip was news to me.) I queried if he asked his father for a ride since the two of them had practically became Siamese Twins joined at the hip unable to make a move unless both did so simultaneously. He informed me that Dick would be at work and wouldn't be available. At the time, I happily offered to be the designated driver. However, all bets were off when this incident occurred.

While this episode was playing itself out, I informed Josh that lying to me was totally unacceptable and because of how he was choosing to treat me, he will need to find another ride to the airport. He will not get away with being nice to me when he wants something and doing a one-eighty when there's no payoff for him.

As it turned out, Dick stayed with Juanita till that Monday evening. However, Daddy Dearest generously paid for Josh's cab fare to the airport and then picked Josh up at O'Hare when his plane landed back in Chicago three days later.

This being his first trip to "Sin City" as a legal adult, Josh had a wonderful time. He came home animated, happy and relaxed. His face lit up as he shared some amusing stories about his recent experiences. Of course, I realized his tales were edited. Because as we all know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Regardless, he needed to get away from the immense pressure and tension weighing on him like a swollen, dark, ominous storm cloud struggling to contain itself until the bulk of it all becomes too oppressive and a torrential, violent downpour angrily releases its buildup, relentlessly showering down its contents until totally drained. Away from the situation, even for the few days, did wonders for his mood and demeanor. Two days later, Josh packed up his car and headed back to school. Lucky kid.